Everyday things now massive pain in the arse

TINY things are now a giant faff, Britons are realising as lockdown begins to ease.

Actions that were once automatic have been so underused over the past two months that even the smallest task now seems like an insurmountable challenge.

Susan Traherne said: “I picked up the remote off the floor the other day. It was like running a marathon.

“I don’t mind going back to work as long as my boss realises I can’t be expected to do things like press the button to open the train door, pick up a free paper and swipe my office pass all in the same morning.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After going slow during lockdown, everyone is now utterly f**king useless. All return-to-work planning needs to take into account that the workforce is now made up of fat, incapable babies.

“It’s lucky the economy is already scuppered because bringing this bunch of listless idiots back to start the recovery is just wishful thinking.”

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Cummings changes blog to say he guessed the twist in The Sixth Sense

SPECIAL adviser Dominic Cummings has changed his blog to suggest he knew Bruce Willis was dead the whole time in The Sixth Sense

Eagle-eyed internet sleuths pointed out that several sentences were replaced in a March 2000 post describing his shock and total amazement at the famous twist.

The original entry reads: “Jesus! I didn’t see that coming! He was a ghost all along! A GHOST! Wow! I mean just wow! M Night Shyamalan is the greatest director ever!”

However the entry now reads: “The first time Cole says ‘I see dead people’ I worked it out. I feel sorry for anyone who didn’t, frankly. In fact I had my suspicions when Bruce Willis gets shot.

“I also forecast that one day I will become an invaluable government adviser and should definitely not be sacked over some trivial driving thing.” 

Other posts suggest Cummings also predicted the invention of Instagram, Greece winning Euro 2004, and that Danny Dyer would briefly become a voice of reason instead of an annoying professional cockney.