Friday, 3rd July 2020

Everyday things now massive pain in the arse

TINY things are now a giant faff, Britons are realising as lockdown begins to ease.

Actions that were once automatic have been so underused over the past two months that even the smallest task now seems like an insurmountable challenge.

Susan Traherne said: “I picked up the remote off the floor the other day. It was like running a marathon.

“I don’t mind going back to work as long as my boss realises I can’t be expected to do things like press the button to open the train door, pick up a free paper and swipe my office pass all in the same morning.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After going slow during lockdown, everyone is now utterly f**king useless. All return-to-work planning needs to take into account that the workforce is now made up of fat, incapable babies.

“It’s lucky the economy is already scuppered because bringing this bunch of listless idiots back to start the recovery is just wishful thinking.”