JOB hunting? Need to punch up your CV? Include these irritating skills that are guaranteed to appeal to every office employer:
An inability to wash teaspoons
Not a single person who works in an office knows how to rinse a teaspoon under a tap, so clearly this is a highly sought-after skill by bosses. Put this attribute right at the top of your CV, even before your name and contact details, and watch the job offers come rolling in.
A thunderous phone voice
If you’re comfortable talking loudly in a room full of people busily working in pin-drop silence, you’ll thrive in any office job going. Your boorish confidence will set you apart from the other drones who slip on noise-cancelling headphones when they see you pick up the receiver, and before you know it you’ll be running the place.
Proven ability to be passive aggressive
Making thinly-veiled snide comments to someone’s face is a cornerstone of office behaviour. When you’re asked to talk about this quality in job interviews, be sure to give examples of the time you told a colleague they ‘looked well’ as they tucked into a big slice of cake.
Fluency in bullshit jargon
Being able to say bollocks like ‘end of play’ and ‘synergistic working environment’ without visibly wincing is a rare skill that can be used as leverage to negotiate higher salaries. You don’t have to know what any of it actually means, it’s saying it with complete confidence that matters.
Demonstrated success in sucking up
Brown-nosing is a vital part of the white-collar ecosystem. If you’re an obsequious worm of a person who is perfectly happy toiling away like a robot while blowing smoke up their boss’s arse, then there are thousands of office vacancies just waiting to welcome you with open arms.