Five annoying skills that can be transferred to any office job

JOB hunting? Need to punch up your CV? Include these irritating skills that are guaranteed to appeal to every office employer:

An inability to wash teaspoons

Not a single person who works in an office knows how to rinse a teaspoon under a tap, so clearly this is a highly sought-after skill by bosses. Put this attribute right at the top of your CV, even before your name and contact details, and watch the job offers come rolling in.

A thunderous phone voice

If you’re comfortable talking loudly in a room full of people busily working in pin-drop silence, you’ll thrive in any office job going. Your boorish confidence will set you apart from the other drones who slip on noise-cancelling headphones when they see you pick up the receiver, and before you know it you’ll be running the place.

Proven ability to be passive aggressive

Making thinly-veiled snide comments to someone’s face is a cornerstone of office behaviour. When you’re asked to talk about this quality in job interviews, be sure to give examples of the time you told a colleague they ‘looked well’ as they tucked into a big slice of cake.

Fluency in bullshit jargon

Being able to say bollocks like ‘end of play’ and ‘synergistic working environment’ without visibly wincing is a rare skill that can be used as leverage to negotiate higher salaries. You don’t have to know what any of it actually means, it’s saying it with complete confidence that matters.

Demonstrated success in sucking up

Brown-nosing is a vital part of the white-collar ecosystem. If you’re an obsequious worm of a person who is perfectly happy toiling away like a robot while blowing smoke up their boss’s arse, then there are thousands of office vacancies just waiting to welcome you with open arms.

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Britain getting the full affair-with-Boris experience

THE UK is finding out first-hand what it’s like to be seduced, lied to, and repeatedly f**ked over by Boris Johnson. 

Following yesterday’s sheepish announcement that the whole freedom thing would be unavoidably delayed but weddings were still on so not to make a fuss, the country realised we were just his latest fling.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’ve been with enough married men to know the signs. Constantly shifting deadlines, promises that aren’t so much broken as denied entirely, always pleading for one more chance.

“Ever since the whole Christmas bust-up it’s been June June June, but now it’s here we can’t go public until July. Until July when it’ll be August and sorry we can’t have that holiday after all.

“Why did he pursue us so obsessively only to do this? That’s what they’re like. We’re five months away from finding out he got elected prime minister of Tanzania behind our backs.”

Julian Cook of New Malden said: “I’m a philanderer and he’s playing us textbook. Never his fault, just a hapless guy in an impossible situation, deeply regretful etcetera.

“Pretty soon he’ll stop taking Britain’s calls completely, but we’ll be financially screwed and desperate for help so we’ll end up shacked up with Gove.”