Freelancer constantly working and dicking about at the same time

A FREELANCER has become trapped between two worlds and is constantly at work while dicking about full-time.

Julian Cook, 34, works from home and has not managed to take a holiday this year despite ending up in the bath most afternoons.

Cook said: “I feel like my work never ends but somehow I find the time to go to Mountain Warehouse and test tents on a Tuesday morning.

“I’ve tried to take a day off but end up answering emails, so I try to do a full day’s work which ends up with me in the hairdressers.

“I’m too busy to see friends because I have reports to write up which I can’t get done because I absolutely have to make a ragu sauce first.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Julian says he can’t get a full-time job because it would take away his freedom which I presume means being constantly stressed about the work he isn’t doing.”

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Attenborough admits latest series is all just CGI

SIR David Attenborough has admitted using CGI in his latest nature series because the earth is actually now just a giant industrial anus.

Attenborough has created a beautiful planet earth for fear that the reality of rats in car parks drinking from a can of Fanta might be ‘depressing’.

Attenborough said: “If George RR Martin decided to say ‘actually magic is bollocks’ the next series of Game of Thrones would be shit.

“With the help of CGI Dynasties will show nature as an uplifting unspoiled wilderness and with the cheeky addition of a dolphin with six fantastic tits.

“I don’t want to get ahead of myself but I honestly think it’s better than Bake-Off, which is also CGI.”

Attenborough added: “You couldn’t create something as weird and creepy as Paul Hollywood without special effects.”