Government stages rehearsal for losing your job after Brexit

THOUSANDS of Britons have pretended to lose their job so they will be prepared for it really happening once we leave the EU.

The latest emergency planning means that when Brexit damages the economy, workers will be able to slide into unemployment quickly and efficiently.

Forklift driver Roy Hobbs said: “It went really well. I feel much more confident now about having a traumatic conversation with my boss as he lays me off and I try not to shout.

“When I’m made redundant for real I’ll know exactly which channels have the least bad daytime TV and the best recruitment websites for shit service sector jobs.”

Beauty salon owner Donna Sheridan said: “I even tried a patronising ‘back to work’ scheme where you’re told to wash your hair before job interviews.

“For a Leave voter like me it was a great chance to practise shifting the blame. I’m going to whine about how everything would have been fine with a ‘proper Brexiter’ in charge.”

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Will this be the year you achieve even one of your ultimately pointless goals?

IT’S 2019, and you’ve written all the things you hope to achieve in a pathetic Moleskine notebook you bought yourself. But will you achieve even one of them? Find out: 

What did you do immediately after your first coffee this morning? 

A) Wrote a numbered list of aims for the day, broken down into subsections while I strategise like Alexander the Great.

B) Rolled a spliff

How are you taking action to move toward your goals? 

A) Spending 90 minutes a day writing, training, and planning, motivating myself with concrete results as I set up base camp on my personal Everest.

B) Thinking about them sometimes on the train.

What are your milestones? 

A) Promotion or salary increase, running a marathon, getting a post-graduate degree, relocating to Berlin or Kuala Lumpur.

B) I’m 37 in July. Oh no, wait, 39. 

Where do you hope to be by the end of the year? 

A) Smiling with satisfaction as the last of my goals is crossed off my list, while scoffing at my vanquished foes.

B) My auntie usually has a party.


Mostly As: You’re a driven, ambitious person and as such have set yourself goals that are impossible to realistically achieve. You will achieve nothing.

Mostly Bs: Despite making very little effort, you will achieve one of your goals in May when you watch Avengers: Endgame. Well done.