Heads down until Christmas, scum

THE UK has been told to get to work and shut the fuck up for the next four months until its next allotted happiness break at Christmas. 

Britons have, as the country slides into cold and darkness, been commanded to stop moaning and just do it and their only relief will be Strictly and a new Ed Sheeran album, which are hard work in themselves.

Boss Martin Bishop said: “Sit in those chairs, shut up and start generating revenue.

“Arrive early, leave late, and I’ll be here watching you both ends because this shit has rolled all the way down from the top.

“You’ve had enough of your family anyway. The weather’s going to be bollocks, and the news’ll be even worse. Do stuff on two monitors at once. I want to see action. Write me a report. I don’t give a bugger what on.

“Lunch at your desk. Coming in with a cold. Massive traffic jams. Emails at 10pm. Working weekends. God help you if you’re in retail.”

Employee Joseph Turner said: “Still, Christmas though.”

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End of school holidays fills roads with bastards again

THE end of the six-week summer holiday has seen peaceful, happy commuters turn back into a bunch of psychotic bastards again. 

The break had emptied suburban roads of desperate parents screaming obscenities in traffic jams as road rage shifted temporarily to the insanely narrow lanes of Devon and Cornwall.

Commuter Nathan Muir said: “Where the f*ck did all these slow, useless bastards spring from, and why won’t they get out of my f*cking way?

“Walk your kids to school, you lazy twats, this obesity’s your fault. Jesus, this queue doesn’t even stop after the lights. Why can’t you all p*ss off?”

Father-of-two Steve Malley said: “You’d think, because I do the school run, that I might hate other commuters but not as much as I hate myself.

“However that’s not true. I hate all these other bast*rds far more.”