How to choose your workplace nemesis

HAVING a sworn enemy to detest and undermine certainly makes slow days at work go faster. But who should you choose as your arch-enemy and target of your undeserved rage?

Your line manager

Just because they have the power to decide when you go on holiday, whether you’re working hard enough and if your regular two-day post-party illnesses deserve, they think they’re better than you. Of course you hate them.

Whoever currently has a cold

Either they’re a selfish bastard for coming in, annoying everyone with their sniffs, coughs and nose-blowing and passing on their germs, or they’re a selfish bastard because they’ve had three days off for nothing but a bloody cold. Either way, strike now while they’re weak.

The newest member of staff

An easy target but likely to be eminently hateable simply because they have no clue. Make a new folder on their desktop called ‘Clown Porn HARDCORE’ every time they go to the loo and watch them have a nervous breakdown.

The loud chewer

If you are sensitive to the sound of another human slowly, wetly masticating food, they will be your office nemesis until the day you snap and punch that Pret free-range egg mayo sandwich out of their filthy mouth and get fired.

The one who stays late every day

This nauseating little prick makes you look bad by staying late, arriving early and actually appearing to like their job. But don’t worry, everyone else hates them too, even the boss.