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How to drag your arse through the last working day before Christmas

STRUGGLING to stay motivated on the last working day before Christmas? Here’s how to slog through the next few hours miserable hours until you’re free.

Get drunk

This is your usual tactic for a Friday anyway, but today you won’t have to gargle mouthwash to hide the fact you had two pints of Stella for lunch. Just merrily swig mulled wine at your desk: everyone will think you’re getting in the festive spirit and not drowning your boredom.

Strike

F**k it, everyone else is. Adding another sector to the list shouldn’t make any difference. Mainly because nobody would notice if you downed tools and went home early. This also explains why there aren’t crowds of placard-waving protesters out supporting you. They save all that for proper jobs like nurses and train drivers, not whatever it is you do with computers.

Take epic toilet breaks

When you work in an office, a trip to the bathroom with your phone is like a mini vacation. Sadly these visits can’t last more than ten minutes though or people rightly start to suspect you’re taking the piss. Rules go out the window at Christmas though so treat yourself to 45-minute toilet breaks every couple of hours, it’ll be home time before you know it.

Think of those less fortunate than you

You might be finishing today, but that’s not the case for everyone. Think of the poor retail staff you’ll be pestering on Christmas Eve as you do your last bits of shopping five minutes before they’re due to close. They’re the real victims. Unlike Scrooge though, this epiphany won’t make you change your ways. You’ll see them at five to five sharp tomorrow evening.

Actually work

You could use this time wisely by getting on top of all the work you usually put off until January. But you won’t. Nobody ever does. Instead you’ll idly click between social media tabs for the next few hours in search of a dopamine hit, then come the first week back you’ll hate yourself for being so unproductive. It would be wrong to break with this hallowed tradition.

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'But are they happy deep down?': Your guide to nit-picking other couples

WORRIED that your relationship is faltering? Here’s how to make yourself feel better by pulling apart the relationship of friends who seem genuinely in love.

PDAs mean they’ve got something to prove

Anything more than a peck on the cheek is a try-hard display of public affection that should be unnecessary when you’ve been together anything longer than three months. Why are they holding hands and whispering in each other’s ears during your pub roast? Acting like they’re that into each other obviously means there’s something very wrong at home.

She’s only with him for his money

Can’t figure out why your friends seem blissful together? It must be down to money, so grab a pen and try to game out their earnings. He’s a solicitor and she’s a teacher, so he must earn more and together their annual earnings could be anything up to £150k, you wildly guess. She’d never make that alone so she’s obviously only in it for the money. He must be devastated, but he hides it well by looking very happy.

They used to be so fun

You used to hang out together all the time but now you only see them about once a month and they’re not into getting shitfaced until 3am anymore. How sad that their fun-loving spirits have been crushed like this. They’ve obviously ruined each other’s lives and it’s nothing to do with the fact that they’ve got two kids under three and live 70 miles away now. Definitely not.

He’s punching well above his weight

Rather than asking whether you’ve let yourselves go and this is why you’ve become so horribly judgemental about others, instead focus outwards on the attractiveness of your friends. She’s at least an eight, whereas he couldn’t be considered anything more than a five. It’s an affair waiting to happen, you think, and then spend a fevered ten minutes imagining an affair of your own.

But are they happy deep down?

Fine, so on the surface they seem very well matched and incredibly content. But are they actually happy? You know, like really happy? Or is it all a sham? You heard her call him a ‘massive f**king geek’ once during a pub quiz and, while he appeared to laugh it off, it’s your smoking gun. They secretly hate each other and will divorce within the year. You’ve made yourself feel 5% better. Mission accomplished.

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