How to survive your workplace's bullshit online training

DO your workplace’s obligatory online training modules make you want to smash your monitor with your coffee mug in frustration? Survive them with this handy guide.

Engage the least possible amount of brain

Don’t read any of the text and click through as quickly as you can. Amazingly, you’ll probably still manage to answer incredibly tough questions like: ‘Should you ask your line manager if you don’t understand something?’ or ‘You punch Tom from marketing in the face. Is this acceptable?’

Do it at the last minute

Your boss has been getting supercilious reminders from HR that only 50 per cent of her team have done the training two days before the deadline, so stress them all out by leaving it until 17.29 on Friday. It’s all about the small victories. 

Find the colleague responsible and take them hostage

Calmly advise security that you are happy to release Martin from compliance with all his fingers still attached as soon as managers have clicked on four jigsaw puzzle-shaped pieces, and dragged them to a corresponding box to learn more about teamwork. It’s such an effective way to gain knowledge you’re surprised the world’s leading universities don’t do it.

Jump out of the window

It may take time to find an actual opening window in the hermetically sealed box that is your office building, possibly designed this way to prevent staff escaping. However, several broken limbs is still better than clicking on and reading about five items that could be a risk to workplace security.

Refuse to do it

Yes, you’ll end up getting fired, sleeping in a bus shelter and using a nearby bin as your toilet, but at least you won’t ever have to watch a clip of an American called Chad telling you about GDPR.

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Splash your face with water once a week: How to follow a man's skincare routine

CONTRARY to popular belief, men adhere to a strictly regimented skincare routine. Learn how to follow it with this guide.

Splash your face with water once a week

Not room temperature water that feels good on your skin. No, you should be scooping handfuls of freezing tap water onto your face every seven days to do something to your pores. Open them? Close them? F**k knows. Either way this minimal effort will somehow give you a clear complexion and annoy your girlfriend who faffs about with cleanser.

Shave with a four-month-old disposable razor

Preferably a Bic or any other brand that becomes blunt after shaving half of your face. No need for fancy shit like a triple-blade head with a lubricating strip, a cheap disposable razor will do the job fine. Simply drag its blunt blades across your skin, cut your chin open in several places and let the congealed blood give you that rugged, manly look.

Scrub off caked mud with the rough side of a sponge

As a man you likely come home from work covered in dried-on mud or coal dust from your hard physical graft with other real men. Instead of gently dabbing off this dirt with a flannel, grab a sponge and roughly scrub the filth away with the scratchy bit. If it’s good enough to clean the plates you eat your Super Noodles off, it’s good enough for your face.

Sneer at the very concept of moisturiser

What even is moisturiser, besides an easy but somewhat expensive gift you buy your mum for her birthday and at Christmas? Nobody really knows, so there’s no point investing time and money in finding out. Throw the tubs of this mystery lotion a dismissive sneer next time you’re in Superdrug to buy a bottle of Lucozade.

Admire your face in the mirror

Men are free from the societal expectations that plague women, meaning they’re allowed to admire their blotchy, oily, bleeding skin without fear of recrimination. Shoot that good-looking guy in the mirror riddled with whiteheads a cheeky wink, then change into the unironed, food-stained clothes you’ve put similarly little effort into. Because you’re worth it.