Friday, 17th January 2020

'I wasn't drunk, I only had two drinks' says woman who was hammered off two drinks

A WOMAN who was absolutely leathered after two glasses of wine has asserted that she could not have been drunk because she only had two glasses of wine. 

Donna Sheridan necked both glasses in an hour and spent the rest of the Christmas do staggering around, insulting colleagues, demanding people dance and sharing slurred confidences.

She said: “Yes, I’m only five foot tall and never have a drink except at Christmas, but that’s irrelevant. I was perfectly sober when I told Frank the security guard I bet he had a big cock.

“I danced on a table because I like to have fun, unlike the rest of you boring farts as I believe I said at the time. You don’t have to be drunk to tell Jackie from PR about the threesome you had to save your first marriage then burst into tears.

“I was merry, that’s all. Of course it wasn’t a surprise when I woke up in Frank’s bed this morning. That was a decision I made when I was fully in my right mind.”

Colleague Helen Archer said: “Somebody needs to tell Donna that ‘I was absolutely sh*tfaced’ is a much better excuse.”