Job candidates to be told how many twats work at the company

BEFORE  they commit to a job, prospective employees of a business will be told how many twats are already working there.

Working with a twat can be costly, inefficient and emotionally distressing which is why companies are being asked to disclose their twat quotient.

Prospective employee Emma Bradford said: “I just applied for a job I really wanted but during the interview I got a sneaking suspicion the boss might be a total arse.

“He had a framed picture of a convertible Audi on his desk but worse he started assuming things about me like some sort of fucking Greek oracle in a Moss Bros suit.

“He asked me if I had children to which I replied, ‘one.’ He then told me I’d want another child soon and left it hanging in the air as if I was about to confess my life plans like a guilty secret.”

Bradford added: “I don’t know what’s more expensive to companies, maternity cover or middle-management cretins latched onto the corporate teet like massive piglets with company cars?

“I’ll assume it’s cretins.”

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Brexit 'won't be like Mad Max' says Davis, in obvious sign that it will be

DAVID Davis has insisted that Brexit will not be a ‘Mad Max dystopia’ in the clearest sign yet that it will be exactly that.

The Brexit secretary’s statement has allowed millions of Britons to begin forming tribes that will  kill each other for clean water and petrol.

Bill McKay, from Coventry, said: “When he says ‘we will continue our track record of high standards’ after Brexit he means ‘Arm yourselves, for devastation is coming which only the ruthless and brutal will survive’.

“I can finally make those modifications to my ride-on lawnmower.”

Davis said: “Post-Brexit we will not, repeat not, become a desert roamed by murderous psychopaths seeking to terrorize the innocent and I will not lead them wearing armour made from Michel Barnier’s bones.”