Man who handed in notice definitely won't be dicking around for a month

A MAN who has just handed in notice will definitely be giving his employer 100 percent for the next month.

Tom Logan formally quit the job he hates on Monday, and has every intention of giving one hundred percent even though it cannot possibly make any difference now.

Speaking from his desk, with his feet up on a box and The Princess Bride on his computer screen, Logan said: “Don’t worry. I may be leaving this shithole but I’ll be doing the right thing and leaving the job in a good place for the next person. Pass that ashtray.”

He added: “Just because they won’t bother firing me now, doesn’t mean I’ll be taking three hour lunch breaks and coming back utterly, utterly pissed.”

Logan is expected to see out the month before ensuring he can never come back after comments he makes at his leaving party.

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Painfully slow barista wants you to know they control your life

A COFFEE shop barista taking an inordinate amount of time to froth your latte wants you to know that for these two minutes, she owns you.

Nikki Hollis has perfected giving passive-aggressive looks over a steaming pipe, and making it clear she is absolutely going to stick to her routine, no matter whatever meeting you need to get to.

Hollis said: “Sometimes I take so long to pack the beans down, I can see visible rivulets of sweat running into the customer’s eyes. I never feel so alive. You may be trying to get to your spreadsheet, or your kids or your mistress, but this is my time.”

While delivering an order, Hollis has been known to wipe down every single surface, pick the dirt from her nails, and flirt with every one of her colleagues, all while retaining direct eye contact with the customer.

Hollis, who once served an Americano so slowly, it was cold before hitting the counter, added: “You may call it a powerplay. I call it reminding you that there are more important things in life than coffee. Like me not giving you coffee. Beg for it, you little bitch.”