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Manager accused of gaslighting proves staff wrong by denying reality and shifting blame

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him. 

Nathan Muir, manager of Tesco in Gainsborough, was initially placed on leave after a complaint signed by 30 members of staff but, following their exposure as manipulative liars, has been reinstated and given carte blanche to do whatever he wants.

He said: “I actually feel sorry for them. It can’t be easy inhabiting such a twisted alternative reality.

“For example, when Darren thought he’d booked his birthday off when he’d actually had no such conversation with me and was in fact working a double shift. That must have hurt, but blaming me and brandishing fake emails only hurt himself.

“Or when Alison mistakenly imagined she’d got a promotion to supervisor when in fact she’d resigned. Turning up on that Monday morning only to be given a box with her stuff in? Honestly, I was angry on her behalf.

“But none of it was me, as I explained very persuasively at my disciplinary hearing. And if anyone disagrees, I’ve given them the opportunity to correct the record at upcoming disciplinary hearings of their own.”

A spokesman for the Post Office said: “Mr Muir is invited to apply for a senior role overseeing subpostmasters. He’s just the kind of person we need.”

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Just for fun, what would be your last text before the plane crashes?

PASSENGERS on a flight from Corfu wrote goodbye texts to loved ones after their plane suffered a terrifying engine fire. Just for a laugh, what would your last panicked SMS be?

‘O guav plaweft crqaspi dongo waanryu49 diiii’

A violently shaking aircraft and your imperious turning off of autocorrect while on terra firma may result in this. Still, the enigmatic puzzle you’ve left for your loved ones to pore over means they’ll remember you as long as a sudoku.

‘Darko I wheelwright alternate lurk YouTube’

Similarly, the message ‘Darling I will always love you’ is made somewhat less touching due to the hurried nature of your text and bloody autocorrect.

‘About to die. Mind gone blank’

Talk about being put on the spot. You’ve got to express your feelings for your partner, bemoan the abrupt end of a life spanning more than 40 years, and outline some brief instructions about grieving but moving on. And you’ve never been good under pressure.

‘Dear Church of England. I would like to have it on record that I now believe in God’

The rules on deathbed forgiveness of sins are unclear, almost as if the Church was making them up on the fly, so worth a shot. Who says you can’t repent and find the Lord on a plummeting low-cost German airline?

‘Remember to lower the water pressure on the boiler’

Confronted by the daunting concept of your consciousness ceasing to exist, your mind is only capable of focusing on the most trivial of mundanities. Damn. You should have told them to use up that hummus too.

‘Iain, you are a massive wanker’

It’s probably wrong to use your last moments to settle petty grudges, but it’s your death. Other people you’d like to berate are: your bitch of a sister-in-law, that f**king useless plumber and Alan Shearer, who’s a shit pundit. Hopefully you’ve got time before impact. Hopefully someone passes it on to him.

‘Look out for signs I’ve come back as a ghost’

You’ve seen enough horror films to realise ghosts often have difficulty making the living aware of their existence. A year down the line you don’t want your partner constantly having great sex with her new boyfriend while you’re rolling a child’s ball down the hallway like a cuck.

‘Dear Emma. 1. I love you. 2. Love is a common emotion celebrated through the ages by poets and writers. 3. No credible evidence exists of life after death.’

As the plane enters a final nosedive, you’re starting to regret getting ChatGPT to write your final text.

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