Man’s career plan based on having successful friends

A MAN has abandoned his plan to work hard and is instead focusing on having successful friends.

Tom Logan, 33, once had dreams of high powered career success and wealth but has recently been forced to admit he has done absolutely nothing about it.

Logan said: “I’ve decided to only keep in touch with friends who will hopefully achieve some kind of success.

“I’m really lazy and so the best thing is to become a leech.”

Logan has about eight people he regularly messages and invites to every social gathering. He also likes and comments on all their social media posts, sometimes without even looking at them.

He added: “My friend Steve is super smart and has a really good idea for a book about robots.

“They say everyone has a book in them, but the book I had in me was one of those shit ones.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britons physically incapable of having just one drink

MOST Britons cannot possibly have just one drink, researchers have confirmed.

Scientists discovered that there is something in the first drink that renders British people incapable of not staying for another, even when they repeatedly insist they have to get up for work in the morning.

Dr Emma Bradford said: “Then once they are two drinks in, it seems a pity not to stay for one more, then they have another because they are having such a nice time.

“And two hours later, out come the 1980s ballads and the weird confessions.”

She added: “Until we can find a cure for this genetic defect, I would advise British drinkers to cut out the first drink completely and go straight on to the second and third.”