We are ideologically opposed to fixing any problems, say Tories

THE Conservative party has confirmed it is opposed, on both a theoretical and practical level, to solving any of the problems faced by modern Britain. 

The party’s chairman admitted that serious issues facing housing, education, and social care could be solved, but that it would be wrong to do so.

He continued: “We could build houses, of course we could, but encouraging private development by offering tax breaks which will increase profits while not building houses is much more the Tory way.

“Likewise, instead of investing in education we’re making those sums available to anyone nominally running an academy while paying themselves an enormous salary and, via a company owned by their wife, annual consultants’ fees.

“What people fail to understand is that spending taxpayers’ money directly on issues which matter to taxpayers is repugnant and 1950s, even if it works. Especially if it works.

“Far better to have faith in the free market to do it all for us. We may not live through it, but at least we’ll die pure.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Dinner party dominated by analysis of subtext in Paw Patrol

A DINNER party where the majority of guests are parents was dominated by an in-depth analysis of animated rescue dog show Paw Patrol.

Friends at the long-awaited get-together devoted several hours to a vigorous deconstruction of the ubiquitous kids’ show and accompanying toy line.

Stay-at-home father Joseph Turner said: “It’s subtlely satirising capitalist power structures. The proletariat pups do all the work but still have to sleep outside, while ruling-class Ryder commands them to protect the status quo lead from his tower.

“The lack of any parental figure, despite the fact that Ryder is only 10, is an obvious nod to the immature, unchecked power of the elite.”

Fellow literature graduate Susan Traherne agreed: “It reinforces the values of the patriarchy, which is why Skye, the only girl pup, wears pink and has a passive, observing role.”

Other talking points included the parallels between idiotic Mayor Goodway and Donald Trump, and whether bumbling marine biologist Cap’n Turbot represents the demise of academia.

The dinner party’s two childless gave up trying to follow the conversation after 10 minutes and enjoyed a spirited discussion about gigs, drugs and the best sexting emojis.