Marketing, HR, Finance: Office departments ranked by their depraved promiscuity

EVERY office is a writhing hotbed of lust, and some departments are so busy fornicating they get very little done. In order, from incel to rampant rabbit: 


Computing professionals are far too busy playing real-time strategy games in the server room to even think about climbing onto each other. Hold your sympathy. They’re the happiest people in the office, untroubled as they are by the vagaries of human relationships.


In cheap, salacious TV shows such as the one which used to star the Duchess of Sussex, lawyers are constantly at it. They pause their coke-fuelled rutting only to scream ‘Objection!’ to a packed courtroom. In reality, they work 16-hour days and spend the little free time they have necking pinot noir and staring blankly at television.


Prudent and risk-averse, accountants don’t put it about without considering the consequences. There are those libertines who f**k anything that moves simply for the tingling excitement of keeping track of them all on a colour-coded spreadsheet but most crave certainty and stability; like swans, accountants mate for life.


Your office’s HR team are empathic, caring individuals who think deeply about relationships and are up each other near-constantly. Inflamed by the workplace romances of others, they’re barely through exit interviews before they’re 69ing on your non-disclosure agreement. Animals.


Imagine earning huge sums knowing your job is total bullshit. Imagine how horny that would make you. Strutting around wet or with constant erections, they can’t plan their Q2 campaign without getting so aroused they engage in five-way sessions where everyone’s pleasuring each other, all at once. Then they demand even more of the budget.

Executive board

Ever wondered why your pass doesn’t give you access to the top floor? It’s because it hides scenes of horrifying depravity. The CEO strides the corridors in a state of permanent tumescence, naked but for a gimp mask. Nude interns are stripped to their underwear and chained to desks. The walls glisten with fresh semen. This is the sort of freedom which can only be enjoyed when you’ve truly mastered the art of delegation.

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Neither minicab driver nor passenger actually wants to listen to Smooth FM

A MINICAB ride was ruined for both driver and passenger thanks to a radio station they both hated listening to.

Nathan Muir booked an Uber hoping to avoid a tedious journey by public transport but was instead subjected to a barrage of insipidly nostalgic music that he had no control over.

Muir said: “I thought I was having a little treat, getting a taxi. Instead I had inadvertently condemned myself to a grim cocoon filled with the sounds of tragic MOR bands like The Beautiful South, Tracy Chapman and Lighthouse Family.

“It was when Fairground Attraction’s Perfect came on that I was tempted to open the door and throw myself out onto the road, but I presume the driver loves a bit of Smooth and I didn’t want to be rude.”

Driver Tariq Aziz said: “Believe me, I would rather eat my own eyebrows than listen to this awful rubbish.

“But I took one look at the guy and thought, this seems like the sort of bland Englishman who would relish a soundtrack of beige, inoffensive easy listening.

“So I’m surprised to hear he hated it. What is it about the British? They aggressively colonise half the world but when it comes to saying ‘For both our sakes, could you turn this shit off?’ their courage entirely deserts them.”