New hire at work acting weirder than any person has ever acted

A NEW employee is showing real promise to be the strangest and most unsettling being ever to have set foot in an office. 

New starter Oliver O’Connor has only been in role a week and is already amazing the whole floor not with his enthusiasm or business acumen but because of what an outright freak he appears to be.

Sales analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “Oliver went around on the first day but wouldn’t shake anyone’s hand. He bowed and said, ‘that’s how they do it in Japan’.”

“Then, at lunch, he didn’t go out to Pret. He got out four different containers, microwaved them at different heats and shit and ate a fish curry from a plate he washed and returned to his rucksack. He does that with his mug as well.

“In the team briefing he took notes on his phone while humming and when Angela was talking about the Beyonce gig he said ‘I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this woman, is she a mezzo-soprano?’

“Apparently he ‘watched a kabbadi event’ at the weekend. What the f**k? James reckons we should give him a chance, but I sit near him and he smells of ham and Fairy Liquid.”

O’Connor said: “I think I’m going down well so far. I’ve made some funny jokes.”

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Anyone elected between 2016-2019 guilty as f**k

ALL leaders elected in Britain, Scotland and the US between 2016-2019 are in deep legal shit, it has transpired. 

Rule-breaking vandals Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Nicola Sturgeon are all facing retribution for their hideous crimes, leading voters to wonder what the f**k they were thinking during that specific period.

Political scientist Nathan Muir said: “2016 was a rough year, granted. Perhaps we were electorally deranged from losing so many beloved celebrities.

“But first there was Brexit, then known career criminal Trump became the world’s most powerful man, then unknown-but-probable career criminal Sturgeon, then just for a f**king laugh we elected Boris.

“It’s been a cavalcade of imprisonments, resignations and botched elections ever since. Corbyn’s gone from Labour leader to wild-bearded desert outcast, the cross Northern Irish woman’s vanished and Theresa May’s returned happily to undeath.

“It would appear that during a brief but significant period we gave ‘putting lying twats in charge’ a go, with predictable results. We should avoid doing that again.”