'No Christmas do this year' is best thing anyone's ever said to me, confirms office worker

AN office worker has confirmed that being told this year’s Christmas party is cancelled is the best sentence to ever enter his ears.

Administrator Joseph Turner held back tears of joy during the Zoom call where his boss announced that the festive celebration would have to be cancelled due to Covid restrictions.

Turner said: “As far as sentences go, it doesn’t get any better than that. Don’t tell the missus but this is a million times better than her personalised wedding vows.

“Finally, I get to enjoy Christmas without having to make awkward small talk next to a printer decked out in tinsel, or feign gratitude for a rubbish Secret Santa present. This is every office worker’s dream, and now I’m living it.

“I recorded the call so that magical sentence is saved for posterity. I look forward to showing it to my grandkids one day, who will undoubtedly ask me with wide-eyed fascination if 2020 was the best year of my life.

“And I’ll scoop them all up in my arms and say ‘absolutely’. Then I’ll have fun telling them all about the horrifically boring office Christmas parties they’ll have to go to.”

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Why renting is better than buying, by parents who don't want to give you a deposit

THINKING of taking your first step on the property ladder but need help with the deposit? Tight-fisted parent Mary Fisher explains why it’s actually better if you keep renting.

You’re free to move around

As a renter the world is your oyster, especially the shitty bits nobody wants to live in or house shares with weirdos. Meanwhile us fusty old homeowners have to stay in one place and slowly accrue a return on our investment. I know which option sounds more fun to me! 

It’s a bad time to buy

Depending on how you look at the housing market, it’s always a bad time to buy. If you come begging for deposit money I’ll just say prices are shooting up or the bubble is about to burst. Renting on the other hand is reliably expensive, so you’re much safer staying put.

You don’t want to be locked into a massive contract

Once you sign on the dotted line you owe the bank money for decades, and all you get in return is your own property. Talk about a millstone around your neck. Ignore the fact that your monthly rent is much more, that kind of ruins my point. How about a nice cup of tea?

Maintenance bills, what maintenance bills?

Repairs are one of many things renters don’t have to worry about. You also don’t have to fret about choosing paint colours for your walls because you’re not allowed to decorate, which must be a real relief. Although if you so much as smudge a mirror, there goes your deposit.

I want to go on a cruise next year

With luck everything will be back to normal in 2021 so we can finally go on that Saga cruise we had to postpone. If I don’t give you money to flush down the toilet on a deposit I can splash out on extras too, like a balcony cabin or the porterage service. Thanks for understanding.