Office great place to compensate for being unpopular at school, boss believes

A MANAGER feels his office is the ideal environment to make up for being bullied and a failure at school, he has confirmed.

46-year-old Martin Bishop uses his position at a Leek finance business to get the respect he never received as a weak, spotty, untalented child.

Bishop said: “I wasn’t good at sport or one of the brainy kids, but I’ve been here since I was 18 and I’ve got seniority over everyone who was, making this the ideal environment for me to work out my issues.

“Mark in procurement is exactly the kind of lad who never picked me for football. Now I’ve gatecrashed his five-a-side team and I’m mates with his mates and it feels great.

“Whenever Pete who went to Oxford comes in with one of his big ideas about saving money, we sit and chat until he’s realised he’s not so much cleverer than me after all, then we present it to management together and share credit.

“And all the girls have to talk to me here, because I’m the boss. So stick that up your arse, Rachel Wilkes who wouldn’t go out with me in 1996. I bet you’re a big fat cow now.”

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Grammar pedants thrilled at collapse of Toys R Us

BELIEVERS in the correct use of English are delighted that the grammatically-baffling shop Toys R Us is closing its doors forever. 

English teachers, newspaper sub-editors and Radio 4 listeners believe the sacrifice of 3,000 jobs is well worth it for the insult of the shop’s brand to be banished from high streets.

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “What was that? What was it even trying to be?

“I wouldn’t have objected to the ‘R’ if they’d bracketed it with apostrophes to make it clear it was a contraction, though for some reason it was backwards denoting Russian. Which I can’t even right now.

“But Toys Are Us? No they’re not. Toys are toys. ‘We Are Toys’ would be correct if the speakers were toys, for example in the Toy Story franchise. But they weren’t.

“We Sell Toys With Such Intense Focus We Have Deluded Ourselves That We Have Become Toys would have been an accurate title. But would head office ever acknowledge my letters? Would they fuck.

“I’m glad they’ve gone. Now I can target all my pedantry at greengrocers.”