Office worker having lovely day off in office

AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office. 

Communications manager Tom Booker had a heavy weekend, met some key deadlines last week and believes he deserves a day’s break while technically still attending work. 

He said: “I opened my emails this morning and thought: Nope. Not today.

“I spent the first hour browsing, shopping, all the rest, then at 10am purposefully arose from my chair and set off, sheaf of papers in hand, to visit my mate Andy on the seventh floor. 

“I did the full tour; Andy, Jane in HR, a can of Dr Pepper with the IT lads and I even swung by the postroom to catch up on the ongoing saga of Iain and the bird on reception.

“Then I settled down and wrote a few emails: my old friend Simon, a complaint to AirBNB, filled Andy in on the Iain/reception-bird situation, had a quick hand shandy in the bogs, then watched Love Island on my phone.”

Boss Helen Archer said: “It’s okay, I’ve done fuck all myself.” 

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Exorcism casts vegan cheese straight back to hell

VEGAN cheese has been cast back into the hell from which it was spawned from, exorcists have confirmed.

Vegan cheese, which is made from tumble weed, rat’s urine and Anne Widdecombe’s discarded handkerchiefs, escaped from the realm of Satan in 2007.

Priest, Father Wayne Hayes, said: “I mistakenly threw vegan holy water at first and it just bubbled, cackled and hissed at me.

“Then it shouted ‘Your mother sucks Edam in hell,’ as well something very nasty involving the c-word which I felt was unnecessary.

“It put up a fight which went on for hours until I screamed, ‘the power of cheddar compels you, the power of cheddar compels you’, while making a cheese board crucifix of Brie, grapes and a some cream crackers.”