Pizza delivery guys sick of being used for sex

PIZZA delivery drivers have declared they are sick of being used for sex by randy housewives.

The beleaguered food service workers have complained that frequent intercourse with bored, voluptuous women is costing them time and money as the relentless carnal demands lead to fewer deliveries per shift.

Pizza delivery man Roy Hobbs said: “In addition, the constant shagging reinforces the stereotype of pizza delivery men as nothing more than love machines.

“I’m a complex and interesting person who loves Japanese art and is learning how to play the clarinet.”

He added: “The lustful, stay-at-home women of the UK need to take our job seriously and stop treating us like pieces of succulent chorizo.

“I didn’t buy a moped and do a certificate in food safety just to become the plaything of a ravenous she-devil.”

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Just lie, dating experts advise

DATING experts have advised anyone looking for romance to lie through their teeth. 

Researchers found that successful relationships often begin with lies, continue with futher lies, and create marvellous new lies together before concluding with beautifully false platitudes.

Counsellor Susan Traherne said: “How many couples begin with him claiming to be a professional footballer and her claiming to be five years younger than her actual age? And they survive.

“We’ve analysed thousands of relationships and found that the happiest people are those completely in the dark about what their partner is actually like.

“The most loving thing you can do is to lie convincingly about absolutely everything, from your income to your previous sexual partners to whether you liked the scarf you were bought for Christmas.

“And never, ever be honest about the porn you watch.”

Traherne added: “Though, of course, my relationship with my husband is a total exception to this rule because I tell him the truth about everything. And I don’t watch porn.”