Police dog wants job that isn't just biting people

A POLICE dog would prefer a job that isn’t basically just attacking people, he has confirmed.

German shepherd Wayne Hayes has worked as a police dog for three years, which is 21 dog years. He found it exciting at first but now wants to re-train as an art therapist.

Hayes said: “I thought there would be more detective work, getting inside the minds of criminals, stuff like that.

“Actually I just get loaded into a van and then they let me out in Bristol city centre and say ‘bite that gobby twat in the Fred Perry’. Then I get a Polo mint and he gets taken off to get some stitches in his arse.

“Being a dog I naturally enjoy biting people, however I’m actually quite left-wing so basically being the jaws of the state doesn’t really sit well.

“I’ve applied for a lot of jobs but as soon as I tell them I’m a dog they lose interest. I got an interview to be a dental nurse but as soon as I walked in they said no, apparently the long hair and drooling was a problem.”

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Woman with immaculately clean house has car like a shit tip

A WOMAN who keeps her house clean and tidy has a car like a dustbin, it has emerged.

Despite living in a scrupulously hygienic home, Emma Bradford is inexplicably untroubled by the mountain of used coffee cups, snotty tissues, Ginster’s wrappers and  half–eaten sandwiches in her Ford Focus.

Her husband Tom, said: “She disinfects the entire fucking house every single day, yet she can’t move an old banana skin from her car.

“She has a go at me for leaving a single dirty mug on the sideboard, yet I recently sat on some mouldy leftover McDonald’s on her passenger seat.    

“It makes no sense as that someone who is neat and tidy in every other aspect of her life gets into her car and turns into a filth beast from hell. You could do a shit in there and she wouldn’t notice.

“I love her, but she disgusts me.”