Recruitment agent has moment of remorse then goes back to being a bastard

A RECRUITER has had a moment of remorse before going straight back to being a bastard, it has been revealed.

Stephen Malley was visited by a brief but potent feeling of guilt, although the 27-year-old career recruiter lacked the previous experience needed to describe it.

Malley said: “It was weird. I’d just finished telling a highly-qualified marketing manager that they were a ‘stretch candidate’ and that they should be thanking me for talking to them when I got an unfamiliar feeling.

“It was like the sensation people describe when they hit a cat in their car, although I actually quite like doing that. It was weird.”

Malley then put a stack of CVs in the bin without reading them because it made him laugh, before saying: “Anyway, I’m all better now so if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some lies to tell.”

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How to pretend you do the recommended amount of exercise

THE government recommends 25 minutes of moderate activity a day. Does walking to Sainsbury’s for a four-pack of Stella count? No, but you can pretend it does.

Here’s our guide to convincing people you’re doing enough exercise.

Get a gym membership

Even if you never go, or only use the sauna in an attempt to ease a crushing hangover, this is ‘proof’ you are a person who works out. Don’t worry if the only actual exercise you get is using your membership card to chop up lines of coke on Friday night.

Park the car at the furthest end of the car park

This is an established way of getting you to walk more. However since you like to mindlessly stuff your face with a party bag of Snickers in the car after every trip to the supermarket it probably won’t make much of a dent in the blubber.

Take the stairs instead of the lift at work

But only when you arrive at the same time as one of your colleagues, otherwise don’t bother. Bonus points if you can force them into using the stairs too by saying something insulting like, “Still carrying that Christmas weight, Carole?”

Do a big shop on foot

Walking home with several large bags of shopping works your arms, legs and core and makes the neighbours think you’re really healthy. Just don’t let on that the bags only contain wine, more wine, pies, crisps and enough Findus Crispy Pancakes to sink a small boat.