'Settling old scores' still top of most office workers' to-do list

GETTING revenge on co-workers for some incident in the past is the main thing people working in offices think about.

Research shows most employees spend at least an hour a day fantasising about settling grudges, often involving a verbal or physical confrontation that is unlikely to ever happen.

Sales executive Tom Booker said: “We had an important meeting this morning, but I was mainly thinking about how that prick Jeff made me look a bit stupid a year ago.

“I was so immersed in it that when my boss asked ‘Are you OK to drive up to Altrincham on Friday, Tom?’ I blurted out ‘That fucker’s got it coming. You ain’t seen the last of me, matey.’

“Everyone looked at me a bit funny but I can guarantee at least three other people in the room were thinking the same thing.”

Administrator Emma Bradford said: “I like to spend an hour or two each day in the staff kitchen robotically stirring my coffee and planning how to humiliate that cow Rachel.

“I’m going to get her. I’m not sure how, but I will. Maybe I can get promoted and make her life hell. Or I could get a really amazing job so she’ll be sick with jealousy until she dies.

“Realistically that’s not going to happen, though. Looks like I’ll just have to make her a lapsang souchong with wee in it.”

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Snow in south to be moved to north

THE snow that is paralysing the south of England is to be loaded into trucks and moved to the North, where they do not mind it.

With snow disrupting vital southern businesses such as hedge funds and media content aggregators, it will now be urgently transported 200 miles north where folk are used to it being grim.

Southerner Joseph Turner said: “We can’t function under these conditions. My house cost a million pounds and now my drive is slightly slippy.

“Much better to send the snow to the North where they’ll shrug it off, probably with a wry remark like ‘muckle in’t twit like a birra cowd’, or something equally incomprehensible.

“The army are busy loading all of this unfortunately misplaced snowfall onto trucks with instructions to dump it on roads in Yorkshire. Thank God the government has a plan.”

Roy Hobbs of Glossop said: “This is yet another affront to the North by southern bastards, but as a Northerner I am contractually obliged to be bluff and hardy about it.

“Get that thick winter coat off, yer big soft jessie, and let’s do a bit of sunbathing.”