Six career options for sadistic, spiteful bastards

DO you like causing misery and suffering to others? Want to get paid for it rather than become a serial killer? Here are six careers that are perfect for power-crazed sadists.


Terrify your victims by frowning gravely during a routine check-up, then give them a bollocking for not using those little dental sticks. When the eagerly-awaited painful surgery begins, tell them it won’t hurt before sticking a f**king great needle in their gum. Hilariously, they then have to pay for the privilege of being psychologically and physically tortured.

Gym instructor

You’ve kept yourself in peak physical shape over the years, so it’s only fair you get to make people do painful exercises and body-shame the fatties. Or just anyone less fit. Branch out into aerobics and you can do lots of shouting too, like your second choice of career, prison camp guard.

Bank manager

Any sadist would enjoy turning down desperate people who need a short-term loan to get by, then whack them with extortionate bank charges to keep them up financial shit creek. The possibilities are endless – foreclosing on a small business, suddenly cutting off someone’s overdraft, rejecting a nervous couple’s mortgage application. That’s the ultimate buzz. 

Primary school teacher

Who better to bully than small children? Humiliate them by pulling them up in front of the whole class because they can’t spell ‘owl’, the twats. Then set hours of homework you know will make them and their parents feel subnormally thick. Weirdly, you’re rewarded for this awful behaviour, by being allowed to clock off by 3.30 and take massive summer holidays.

Traffic warden

That car is clearly parked a quarter of an inch over the line, so grin sadistically to yourself as you write out a £75 on-the-spot fine. You’ll have such a sense of power you’ll almost believe you’ve got a proper authoritarian job, like a policeman or magistrate. And your uniform is the next best thing to being in the SS. 

Your local Conservative MP

Hate the poor? The NHS? Migrants? You’ll get the chance to make them all suffer. People have already proved they’re stupid enough to vote for you no matter how much you despise them, so it’s a pretty safe job. You could end up a minister – or in the top job. You don’t even need qualifications, except being able to stick your penis in a dead pig’s mouth.

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'I wonder when Bridgerton starts again?': Five things women really think about during sex

IT’S easy to assume mid-coitus that your female partner is thinking about what a tender yet powerful lover you are. They’re not. Here’s what’s really crossing their mind.

‘Is the front door locked?’

As you attempt your ‘famous’ moves – namely a few kisses to her neck and then stuffing your hand up her top – she’s trying to remember if she locked the door from the inside. Obviously your lovemaking is mindblowing, but she did leave her car keys and Beats headphones in full view on the telephone table.

‘I might start making my own bread’

While you’re struggling to get her bra off, she can be forgiven for letting her mind wander to other matters, and she’s always fancied making her own bread. Maybe this is the week. So when you’ve freed her breasts and are giving them a weird sort of ‘knead’ yourself, she’s wondering if you can get spelt flour from Tesco and trying to recall the recipe for focaccia.

‘Maybe I should cut my hair short?’

As you move on swiftly from second base, there’s a good chance your partner’s thoughts will drift to self-grooming. So while you prod away at her genitals, she’s wondering how she’d look with a pixie cut or bob. Her stylist Janine has always warned her off it. Maybe she’ll just put some highlights in? It might help her attract a better standard of lover.

‘How long ago did Woolworths close down?’

As your lovemaking reaches the X-rated stage, rather than listen to you huff and puff away, your partner has switched to ‘niggling trivia’ mode. Such as the demise of Woolies. It’s probably longer ago than they think. Maybe 2010 at a guess. They’ll make a mental note to google it afterwards. God their pick-and-mix were good. Now where were we?

‘I wonder when Bridgerton starts again?’

When things reach a climax – for some parties at least – the female mind will have already moved on to other business: when she can catch up with the latest travails of the Bridgerton family. Yes, Regé-Jean Page isn’t in this series. But it’s still very watchable. To be honest she’d prefer an evening of binge-watching to… oh it’s finished.