The arsehole's guide to booking a meeting room

EVERYONE hates meetings, but they need to take place somewhere. Here’s how to resentfully arrange your next one: 

Book a room that’s too small

To reassert your dominance in the nest of vipers you work in, book a room incapable of seating everyone. Secure your chair and watch social Darwinism in action as the rest battle for somewhere to sit. Latecomers and the lowly have to stand, making the office hierarchy absolutely clear.

Aggressively usher out the previous meeting

Most meeting rooms have windows, or holes physically punched through of it following a particularly nasty exit interview. Either way, these are perfect for peering through and tapping your watch at the room’s current occupants. Feel free to do this ten minutes before your meeting is due to start.

Dial in via video

Meetings are agonising enough as is, but throw tedious technical confusion into the mix by insisting that you join via video. Angling the camera badly will mean everyone spends the whole time marvelling at your double chins.

Book it at the last minute

Keep minions on their toes by waiting until moments before the meeting to announce it. Without time to prepare everyone will be bullshitting, not just you, and at least one colleague will walk past from whichever meeting room they usually hide in and do a comical double-take.

Do it last thing on a Friday

The meeting room calendar is always empty towards the end of a Friday because only a sociopath would schedule one for that time. Good news for you. Test the commitment of your employees by drawing out a pointless meeting until ten past five, then magnanimously annouce you’re ‘wrapping up early’.

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Idiots still calling Johnson 'Boris'

IDIOT voters, pundits and broadcasters are still referring to the prime minister as ‘Boris’ as if he were a cuddly children’s toy not a neo-fascist monster. 

Johnson has faced accusations of being an unprincipled liar, racist, coward, lawbreaker, groper. philanderer, blusterer and misappropriator of public funds whose dog would make a better leader.

And yet literally millions of people who should know better continue to address him as ‘Boris’ as if he was a much-loved children’s character like Paddington fucking Bear.

Mary Fisher, of recently-formed pressure group Stop Calling The Twat Boris, said: “As a nation, we need to shove ourselves against the walls by the lapels and slap ourselves hard in the face.

“Every time you call this ruinous, toxic, tousled lump of suet ‘Boris’, we inch further towards being an offshore tax haven and slave colony run for the benefit of Boris, Jonty, Tarquers, Cobbo, Annunziata and the rest of them.

“Stop it with this infantile, smirking, whimsical bollocks. This isn’t a Have I Got News For You episode. This is reality.

“As for ‘BoJo’, piss off all the way to hell. He didn’t win the bloody heptathlon. He’s a psychotic, egomaniacal, hellbound disaster capitalist.”