WORKPLACES frown on negativity, foul language and cracking your co-workers’ skulls against their desks. Use these acceptable alternatives:
‘There could be something worth exploring there’
A phrase silently followed by the word ‘but’. As in: ‘There could be something worth exploring there, but right now we’re focusing on solutions actually possible in this f**king universe, thanks, dickhead.’
‘Did this suffer some sort of glitch?’
I know there wasn’t a glitch. You know there wasn’t a glitch. But I’m asking you to apologise for the shitstain of a piece of work you just delivered to me, and go fix it. And, for no other reason than I’m forced to. I’m doing it nicely.
You may have no worries, crashing through life like a bull with no idea what constitutes a sentence and poor formatting skills, but I f**king do. Stay out of the way while I clean up your bullshit. And your line spacing.
‘As per my last email’
How dare you f**king email me at all, let alone with something I already f**king said? Go learn to read, learn again, go over my every communication character by character then think hard about whether it’s ever worth interrupting me before coming to the conclusion: no.
‘Please see the forwarded email below’
An escalation from the above, after you managed to somehow believe you were still in the right and yet again stomped into my inbox. Piss off, delete your email account, never turn on a computer again.
‘Is this urgent, or can we pick this up in the morning?’
Calm. The f**k. Down. You may have some sick belief that staying in the office past 6pm is a good way to spend your time, but don’t rope me into your twisted fantasy.
‘Let’s push that meeting back until we’ve met a milestone’
I’ve thought long and hard about how I would kill you.