THERE is no greater champion of workers than P&O Ferries, which is why we have championed a new group of workers over our current workers. And there’s more:
All former employees were discharged onto land
Despite the majority of P&O Ferries’s operations being at sea and the contested legal status of manslaughter in international waters, as a courtesy to our departing employees arrangements were made to disembark them to a land-based environment.
They were informed by a warm, cordial Zoom call
Given the impossibility of informing all staff face-to-face due to management staff cuts, we used Zoom even though the boats have a fully-functioning tannoy system on which we could have announced the news. Because we care.
They were each given an oversized Toblerone
All employees already have access to our duty-free shops, with alcohol, nicotine and perfume dependencies serviced at a handy discount. As a ‘thank you’ for decades of loyalty they have also been given one extra-large Toblerone of their choice: white, dark or normal.
Anti-piracy counselling has been provided
To curb against the dangers of disgruntled former staff turning to piracy on the high seas, all those made redundant have been directed to an online presentation titled ‘Yo ho ho: Not like the movies!’ in which Inbetweeners star Simon Bird explains the perils of buccaneering.
They are prioritised for re-employment
We value our staff, though not in line with inflation, and have promised they will be first in the queue for re-employment. Many of them have exactly the skillsets they will need for their new, non-union positions and can expect zero-hours offers from us shortly.
We never brought up Brexit
As south-eastern Conservative voters who were advised to back Brexit for the sake of their jobs by their union, it is cruelly ironic that this very Brexit has been their downfall. But, compassionately, we have not mentioned this bit of poetic justice while smirking smugly. P&O: putting people first.
