'We didn’t throw them in the sea': How P&O cares for its workers

THERE is no greater champion of workers than P&O Ferries, which is why we have championed a new group of workers over our current workers. And there’s more:

All former employees were discharged onto land

Despite the majority of P&O Ferries’s operations being at sea and the contested legal status of manslaughter in international waters, as a courtesy to our departing employees arrangements were made to disembark them to a land-based environment.

They were informed by a warm, cordial Zoom call

Given the impossibility of informing all staff face-to-face due to management staff cuts, we used Zoom even though the boats have a fully-functioning tannoy system on which we could have announced the news. Because we care.

They were each given an oversized Toblerone

All employees already have access to our duty-free shops, with alcohol, nicotine and perfume dependencies serviced at a handy discount. As a ‘thank you’ for decades of loyalty they have also been given one extra-large Toblerone of their choice: white, dark or normal.

Anti-piracy counselling has been provided

To curb against the dangers of disgruntled former staff turning to piracy on the high seas, all those made redundant have been directed to an online presentation titled ‘Yo ho ho: Not like the movies!’ in which Inbetweeners star Simon Bird explains the perils of buccaneering.

They are prioritised for re-employment

We value our staff, though not in line with inflation, and have promised they will be first in the queue for re-employment. Many of them have exactly the skillsets they will need for their new, non-union positions and can expect zero-hours offers from us shortly.

We never brought up Brexit

As south-eastern Conservative voters who were advised to back Brexit for the sake of their jobs by their union, it is cruelly ironic that this very Brexit has been their downfall. But, compassionately, we have not mentioned this bit of poetic justice while smirking smugly. P&O: putting people first.

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How to not admit to anyone you're into serial killers

IT’S one of Britain’s most enduring hobbies – serial killers. Here Wayne Haynes, owner of more than 300 books and DVDs on the subject, explains how to keep quiet about this rewarding activity.

Find a good euphemism

Say you’re ‘very interested in psychology’ or ‘love reading about forensic science’. Omit to mention that your erudite reading is mainly about people being stabbed, strangled, bludgeoned, poisoned and dismembered in a variety of interesting ways.

Keep your serial killer resources out of sight

You’ll need a lot of Nigella and Top Gear books for your bookshelves to disguise hundreds of titles like Dahmer, the Real-life Cannibal Killer. Put them all in a spare room, but remember to keep it locked. A lady I was rather enamoured of just wasn’t comfortable with my collection, by which I mean she climbed out of an upstairs window and ran off.

Don’t reveal your full knowledge

If you’re watching a serial killer documentary with others, keep your specialist knowledge to yourself. Don’t excitedly blurt out: ‘The best bit is when Nilsen sat the corpses on his sofa for a couple of days before chopping them up and flushing them down the toilet!’

Choose your serial killer reading matter carefully 

Look out for books like Gordon Burn’s Happy Like Murderers, which was applauded by the broadsheets as well-written, important journalism, but was also very gruesome. You can read that openly, but in our hypocritical society equally informative tomes like Scream Until You Die: The Top 10 Greatest Torture Dungeon Killers are looked down upon.

Don’t be a serial killer purist

No one will bat an eyelid if you host a video night with a socially acceptable serial killer film like Zodiac, American Psycho or Silence of the Lambs. It’s not the same as a good Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy documentary, but Anthony Hopkins does his best.

Make friends with other serial killer buffs

A different approach is to meet people who share your perfectly normal, healthy hobby. They’re not maniacs or sickos, but if they invite you over always position yourself between them and the door, just in case.