What to write in your colleague's birthday card when you have no f**king idea who they are

WHETHER physical or digital, Hannah’s birthday card is on its way to you and you have to pretend you know who the f**k Hannah is. Use these ploys: 

Happy happy birthday!

It’s cute, it’s whimsical, and it’s increasing the wordcount by 50 per cent already. You could gamble on ‘Have the happiest of birthdays’, but if she doesn’t know you it makes you seem like Arwen from Lord of the Rings handing down a quest.

Have a great day!

Another useful real-estate-filling sentence that means nothing to you, the recepient, or whichever nosy bugger’s reading the whole card. Helps you stand out from the pack who presumably want her to have a miserable day, which if she’s working she will be.

Put your feet up – you deserve it!

This one’s complex, as it suggests a playful in-joke between the pair of you from all of those wonderful conversations you’ve never had. Check first to make sure she’s not that lazy bitch but no, that’s Leanne.

Thank you for all that you do

Very sincere, considerate and, crucially, vague. What is it that Hannah does? Why would you know or care? Generously you assume she’s making a contribution, and show your appreciation by making a nothing statement in a card she’ll never read.

Let’s catch up soon!

Now you’ve got her on the back foot. Hardly going to quibble about your wording when she’s wondering what kind of freak she met at the office party is coming to her desk, is she? So much to catch up on: who she is, what she looks like…

Your name

Sign big. No matter what your relationship with Hannah, you know who you are. And if you’re packing a three-plus syllable nomenclature it can really fill the space. Make it as unreadable as possible to foment further confusion.

Smiley faces

Style it out with the full emoji keyboard. From confetti to dancing salsa ladies, you can look like a veritable rolling party to whoever’s signing after you. Because that’s who you’re there to impress because you don’t bloody know her.

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Basic humanity 101 and other awareness courses Suella Braverman has skipped

A SPEED awareness course is not the only class where the home secretary decided it was easier to take the points. There are other glaring holes in her education: 

Basic Humanity 101

Graduates from this course are taught that refugees from war claiming asylum are not in fact criminals. Skipped by the last five home secretaries as even the faintest glimmer of compassion alienates them from Middle England and makes the requisite remorselessness impossible.

What Woke Really Means for Beginners

This crash course traces the word woke back to its African-American origins of ‘alertness to racial prejudices and discrimination’ rather than a label for anything that you don’t like that you’ve made up. Braverman did not attend but ironically appears on the course as a cautionary example.

Remedial Rwanda

Coupled with Introduction to Liberal Democracies, also skipped, students learn how Rwanda’s ruling Rwandan Patriotic Front suppresses civil liberties and silences political opponents through violence. Anyone whose final essay asserts that it is an ideal locale for Afghanis fleeing the Taliban will be graded as a fail.

Foundational Not Using A Personal Email For Work

An in-house Whitehall course that has so far scheduled Suella six times and has yet to see her turn up, this explains that sending official documents from a personal email breaches ministerial code and is a resigning offence, being reappointed a week later is cheating, and conducting government business from [email protected] is unwise as nobody uses hotmail anymore.

How to Not Look Monstrous on Camera

Created by Downing Street’s press office specifically for Suella with one-on-one tuition from top gurners, mirror-holders and exorcists, the home secretary has so far assumed that they must mean a different Suella as it’s a common name and anyway every photo of her ever taken shows her how she truly is inside so it’s fine.

Know Your Legal Rights

Braverman was last seen by this class in 2022 driving away at above the legal speed limit.