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Woman invents cat for Zoom calls

A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.

Recruitment consultant Carolyn Ryan created the entirely fictional cat after colleagues on her weekly team catch-up check-in workflow management session queried excessive gurgling, munching, and swearing coming from her.

Carolyn: “It’s an excuse for everything. Farts? Cat. Sighing? Cat. Laughing when Darren can’t work the slide deck? Cat. That clattering? That’s not me doing the washing up. It’s the cat adorably knocking stuff over.

“My manager can bollock me, but no one can berate an innocent animal unaware of quarterly targets. One time I took a meeting on the toilet and blamed it on the cat throwing up.

“It provides me with a bulletproof alibi. I even claimed the cat was named ‘F**ker’ – I said I named him after my ex – to give me an excuse to suddenly exclaim that during company town halls.

“It really is invaluable. This is nothing to do with me wishing I had a cat but not wanting to be known as a cat woman.”

Manager Tom Booker said, “We know Carolyn doesn’t have a cat. No real cat owner would ever have the willpower to go this long without showing the rest of us at least twenty photos of it, all of which look the same.”

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Six tracks that simulate orgasm more convincingly than your girlfriend

IDLY listening to music when you realise the gasps and moans enacted by clothed women in recording studios are more believable than last night’s performance? She should study these: 

Love to Love You Baby, Donna Summer, 1975

Widely believed to be the first disco f**k, Ms Summer barely gets a line out before dissolving into orgasmic moans that last for most of a 16 minute and 48 second song, which is 14 minutes and 26 seconds longer than your average. Her loss of control is far more believable than your partners, but then she’s not working to such a tight deadline.

French Kiss, Lil Louis, 1989

Popping on a nice safe house mix instead, you’re confronted with a climax so powerful it causes the beat to slow to a stop as a girl expresses far more joy than yours ever has. With you. Nor have you ever had the confidence to slow your thrusts down then begin again, because you’d lose focus and your erection.

Jungle Fever, The Chakachas, 1971

Banned by the BBC, who didn’t need women finding out sex could be pleasurable while they were still struggling with decimal currency, this funk hit replaces drum breaks with cum breaks where a gasping female vocalist breathlessly commands an unheard partner to do it more. Your partner’s only command is to fetch a towel once you’ve finished.

Je t’aime… moi non plus, Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin, 1969

Surely a pair of French lovers from the sexually free 1960s won’t let you down by having fantastic on-vinyl sex? A couple of minutes of desultory grunting and that’s it? No, instead they’re going at it lengthily and persuasively, making your girlfriend’s performance seem as believable as Tara Reid’s in Sharknado 3. 

Pillow Talk, Sylvia Robinson, 1973

A 70s soul song which ends with Robinson whispering some lyrics that would be bold of you to try and emulate with your own partner. But if you did ever suggest she refer to you as ‘nice daddy’, it would result in a swift dumping and the sharing of this particular pillow secret on all available social media.

Rocket Queen, Guns N’ Roses, 1987

Now this is real shagging, as Axl Rose went at a girl – or more than one, depending on whose narcotic-befouled memory you believe – in the vocal booth. It doesn’t sound like your shagging. She sounds too into it. But Axl later went on to become a reclusive fat bastard for a decade so that shows what good sex does, you tell your girlfriend post-coitally.

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