Woman makes mistake of showing full potential to employer

A WOMAN has made the appalling mistake of showing her employer everything she is capable of doing.

Ignoring warnings from colleagues, 23-year-old Lauren Hewitt approached her new job with enthusiasm, completed tasks competently, in full and promptly, ensuring the rest of her time in the position will be harrowing.

She explained: “You’ve got to understand, I was in a really bad place at the time. I’d been hit by optimism and thought I should throw myself into everything and give it my all.

“It started small, like replying to emails right away and answering calls on the first ring. And then I got to the point of no return: they asked me if I had any capacity to take on an extra task, and I said yes.

“How was I supposed to know how it would snowball? Now they keep asking me to do things and expecting me to do them well. They’re saying words like ‘growth’ and ‘promotion’ and ‘long-term strategy’.

“I should have kept my head down. Seamus opposite has a masters in economic planning which he’s kept completely hidden in favour of doing bugger all.

“The next job I get I need to establish a baseline of the bare minimum. That way when I do get off my arse to do something, they throw a f**king parade.”

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Silent Liz Truss standing two feet behind you

A SILENT Liz Truss is appearing at workplaces across the country whenever a major f**k-up is being corrected. 

From Inverness to Penzance wherever an employee is sorting out a serious error caused by someone else, they feel an insubstantial presence and turn to find the prime minister, hollow-eyed and blinking, over their right shoulder.

Oliver O’Connor of Exeter said: “All last week’s shipping orders had been overwritten onto this week’s by some f**king muppet. I wearily started fixing it. Then I saw her.

“Her mask of a face, reflected in my screen, staring at some imagined object. Her pained smile. A feeling of absence even in her presence. I turned and said ‘Hello?’ but she didn’t react even when I waved my hand in front of her.

“Eventually I gave up, sorted the shipping orders, and the moment I finished and she turned and left without a word. It was a relief to have her gone. It’s not like she was any bloody use.”

Parapsychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “She’s appearing simultaneously all over the UK, from building sites to home offices, never saying anything, never doing anything, just bearing witness to the reversing of the errors of others.

“It’s creepy at first, but she’s such an insubstantial presence after a couple of minutes you completely forget she’s even there.”