IS your home cosy, warm and winterproofed? Or does it suffer from draughts, damp patches and being in the UK? Find out:
Are there any drafts in your home?
A) No. The air is only disturbed by your own movements, otherwise it’s a calm, temperate bubble that stays perfectly warm.
B) There’s the letterbox, under the doors, at various windows, the chimney and on Sunday you’d swear one was coming from under the fridge. Plus several cold spots where previous tenants died.
Have you ever seen condensation or mould?
A) Condensation? Is that a scientific phenomenon? And mould? Such as would appear on bread?
B) The condensation starts spreading from the windows to the walls about this time of year, and the mould spots the ceiling like a leopardskin handbag. It’s okay as long as you clean it off every third day.
Does your boiler work perfectly?
A) It’s never occurred to me that it couldn’t. The shower flows, the rooms heat, it’s an infallible silent servant.
B) It mainly keeps lurching on, apart from the groans, creaks and sudden terrifying rumblings. And sometimes the outflow freezes. And the radiators upstairs only get lukewarm.
Is your home efficiently insulated?
A) Your property was designed to meet the highest international energy efficiency standards. Not just for you. For the planet.
B) There’s some in the loft maybe? Something came through the door about it but it cost thousands, so you recycled it with the takeaway menus.
Have you put the heating on yet?
A) Why? It’s barely autumn.
B) No, even though it’s bloody autumn. There was one week post-summer of reasonable temperature and now it’s back to the Arctic Circle. You can’t afford warmth. Not this year.
Mostly As: Congratulations! You live in Germany or Norway or some other country of smug f**kers whose houses weren’t built with plenty of holes to encourage stronger character. Enjoy your boringly steady temperatures.
Mostly Bs: Bad news, you live in Britain, where despite the monotony of cold winters and unabating rain we don’t take either into account while building. Old or new house, you’re cold and paying thousands for it.