You don't have to resign for being shit anymore, man tells boss

A MAN has explained to his boss that just because he totally bollocksed up his job does not mean he has to resign. 

Accountant Nathan Muir advised his superior that while that was the way it used to be, in the modern era you can do as badly as you want and still just keep your job.

He continued: “Like what I did, when I said I’d done the accounts and hadn’t, that’s nothing. Even if I’d done them all wrong and guaranteed I hadn’t there wouldn’t be grounds.

“Or if I’d bullied people, or if I’d taken bribes, or if I’d set strict rules for using the car park which I kept repeating everyone had to follow to the letter then completely ignored them myself.

“Literally I could embezzle like, thousands from company accounts, look you in the eye and swear blind I hadn’t, then admit it the next day, and not a resignation matter. When you asked I’d just say ‘that’s a dead issue’.

“So this minor thing about me not doing any work for six weeks when I knew there was a deadline coming, that’s nothing. It’d be nothing if it was five months.”

Muir added: “I’m remaining in post over the coming year, mate. That’s how it works now.”

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What does your bag for life say about you?

SUPERMARKETS are considering scrapping bags for life. But which one do you use and what does it say about your value as a human? 

Tesco bag for life

Like Tesco itself, everything you do is shoddy and a bit grimy. You have a rubbish job you’ve been meaning to leave and quite often eat your dinner out of a pan. You’ve stopped bothering with personal hygiene and have fungus growing in your groin.

M&S bag for life

Get you, you Little Englander petit bourgeois snob and tactful racist. Flashing your M&S bag around doesn’t impress anyone. Your diet of overpriced ready meal salmon en croute and lamb shanks with mint gloop doesn’t make you classy, it just means you can’t cook.

Sainsbury’s bag for life

You are slightly higher up the social ladder than most, but will never be a quality person who shops at Waitrose. You’re crippled by status anxiety which can only be overcome by buying from the Taste the Difference range. God you’re pathetic.

Lidl bag for life

Your life, like your favourite supermarket, is a confused mess. You like bargains but play a convoluted psychological game by being ironic about it. You attempt to claw back self-respect by droning on about the good-quality patê, but everyone knows you’re fundamentally unstable and might end up in Broadmoor.

Waitrose bag for life

You are very much the upper class of supermarket shopper. That’s not a compliment – it means you’d have supported Sir Oswald Mosley in the 1930s. Also your fixation with loyalty cards and free coffee is a reflection of your barren social life caused by being a identikit yummy mummy or braying arsehole or both.

Asda bag for life

You deserve sympathy, not condemnation. But also condemnation. You are oblivious to the humiliation of your bag of shame and wear cheap socks from the George range, which are a false economy. You’re everything wrong with this country and will never know it.