Captain Mainwaring’s Digital Versatile Disc Review

NOW pay attention men. Last night at around 17.00 hours, I took delivery of the latest batch of DVD videograms I’ve been asked to review, courtesy of Mr Jones, who also included a lamb chop and two pork sausages.

I should point out that this isn’t preferential treatment, it’s what I’m owed on my ration card. So if anyone wants to take it up with me, I’ll be in my office tomorrow evening at 19.45 hours in the church hall and we can have it out there.

Now, I like to think that I’m a man of the world, hail fellow, well met and all that, but I have to admit that I was appalled. The first picture, Brokeback Mountain, was a Western about a couple of nancy boys working on a farm. It’s a good job I watched this one with Wilson as it would’ve caused Elizabeth untold distress.

After an hour or so, I turned to Wilson and said: “You do realise it’s Nazi filth such as this that we’re fighting against, don’t you Wilson?” To which he replied that he thought it was all ‘rather charming’.

“‘Rather charming!?’ Listen Wilson, when I go to the cinema I want to see a newsreel of our brave boys giving the Hun a good pasting. I want to see John Wayne and Tyrone Power defeating wave upon wave of Red Indian criminals. I do not want to see John Wayne hurriedly removing Tyrone Power’s underpants.”

Wilson then tried to shirk his duties by claiming he was due at Mrs Pike’s for supper. “That’s the trouble with your sort Wilson, you think you’re too good to watch Under Siege II: Dark Territory. You’ll sit there and suspend disbelief – and that’s an order.”  

Five minutes into the film I turned to him. “This is more like it Wison – good old Yankee Doodle Dandy giving the Hun a taste of his own medicine.” Wilson replied: “Yes, it’s most distracting sir, but don’t you find it all a little bit… far-fetched, not to mention awfully… violent.”  

It is talk like that which will lose us this war.

At that I dismissed Wilson and took the final picture, Last Tango In Paris, back home with me. Elizabeth’s always been rather fond of musicals.