Captain Mainwaring's Digital Versatile Disc Review

NOW pay attention men. Last night at around 17.00 hours, I took delivery of the latest batch of DVD videograms I’ve been asked to review, courtesy of Mr Jones, who also included a lamb chop and two pork sausages.

I should point out that this isn’t preferential treatment, it’s what I’m owed on my ration card. So if anyone wants to take it up with me, I’ll be in my office tomorrow evening at 19.45 hours in the church hall and we can have it out there.

Now, I like to think that I’m a man of the world, hail fellow, well met and all that, but I have to admit that I was appalled. The first picture, Brokeback Mountain, was a Western about a couple of nancy boys working on a farm. It’s a good job I watched this one with Wilson as it would’ve caused Elizabeth untold distress.

After an hour or so, I turned to Wilson and said: “You do realise it’s Nazi filth such as this that we’re fighting against, don’t you Wilson?” To which he replied that he thought it was all ‘rather charming’.

“‘Rather charming!?’ Listen Wilson, when I go to the cinema I want to see a newsreel of our brave boys giving the Hun a good pasting. I want to see John Wayne and Tyrone Power defeating wave upon wave of Red Indian criminals. I do not want to see John Wayne hurriedly removing Tyrone Power’s underpants.”

Wilson then tried to shirk his duties by claiming he was due at Mrs Pike’s for supper. “That’s the trouble with your sort Wilson, you think you’re too good to watch Under Siege II: Dark Territory. You’ll sit there and suspend disbelief – and that’s an order.”  

Five minutes into the film I turned to him. “This is more like it Wison – good old Yankee Doodle Dandy giving the Hun a taste of his own medicine.” Wilson replied: “Yes, it’s most distracting sir, but don’t you find it all a little bit… far-fetched, not to mention awfully… violent.”  

It is talk like that which will lose us this war.

At that I dismissed Wilson and took the final picture, Last Tango In Paris, back home with me. Elizabeth’s always been rather fond of musicals.



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Paid Sterilisation Extended To People Who Still Like Glee

A PROGRAMME of paid sterilisation is to be extended to people who are still watching Glee.

A charity which gives drug addicts £200 to have a vasectomy or hysterectomy now wants to offer money to people who think the US show is cool and original instead of being exactly the same as High School Musical.

A spokesman for Project Prevention said: “Every day we get letters from concerned citizens warning of the dire social consequences that will be caused by a generation of Glee babies.

“Our streets will be swamped with millions of people claiming that something is not a just another fucking soap opera when that is obviously what it is.

“And I speak as someone who enjoyed the first couple of episodes – especially the bit where the gay one sings Beyoncé and then kicks the football.

“But I soon realised that beneath the surface there is just layers and layers of surface. I don’t even think the nasty PE teacher should be given her own show. There, I fucking said it.”

Tom Logan, a self-taught expert on human sterilisation from Peterborough, said: “I would have done the Glee-watchers before the drug addicts, but both of them provide an excellent jumping off point.

“I could give a long list of who’s next but to save us all a bit of time let’s just say the list is comprehensive and includes you, whoever you happen to be.

“And in case you’re wondering, it also includes me, given that I am just an angry little man who can’t handle his booze and whose genes must be stopped dead in their tracks.

“And while I do think that it’s rather sweet to offer money, I feel that my method of marching huge columns of human filth into clinics at gunpoint will get the job done with just that little bit more urgency.

“If it makes them feel more comfortable they could watch an episode of Glee or Grey’s Anatomy or even Masterchef while an under-qualified Polish doctor sets about their reproductive area with a rotary hand-whisk.”

He added: “Don’t look at me like that. You’re all thinking it but because I actually came out and said it, that somehow makes me the bad guy?

“Fuck the lot of you.”