Dr Julian Cook’s science laboratory

CERN has confirmed that if the Large Hadron Collider hasn’t found the Higgs Boson by 2012, they’ll concede defeat.

Should Bieber be fired at the speed of light through a Swiss-French tunnel?

People get upset when trying to understand the Higgs Boson, but there is only one question you really need to ask: Are you a Belieber?

Justin Bieber seems to be doing very well for himself but I must confess I’ve never seen him perform. By all accounts, he’s young enough to be my grandson but even thinking of him as a distant nephew feels rather uncomfortable.  

His fans, the ‘Beliebers’, are quite insane and are to be avoided: there’s nothing as fetid and offensive as a 14 year-old human female. The work experience girl couldn’t keep her trap shut about the poor fellow.  I renamed her ‘the nasty mongoose’ because that is exactly what she was.

But has this got to do with the ‘God Particle’’? Well, in Bieber terms, Justin is the Higgs Boson and Cern are the Beliebers.

Like Beliebers, Cern are obsessed with getting their hands on a pint-sized trouble maker who is playing hard to get. No one has seen or touched him – but the man who eventually does will be pretty special. Sometimes I dream I’m that man – and I know that Professor Cox shares my dream. Occasionally, the three of us feature together like some kind of wonderful Bacchanalian jamboree and all manner of exciting new scientific methods are revealed to me. This is why I’ve always championed benzodiazepines as crucial to the advancement of physics and why I’m irate at the woman in neuropharmacology for stopping my supply.

The nasty mongoose is like a top quark: she has mass which I could touch or strike as necessity dictated. But Justin Bieber is her reason to exist and it is probably because of him she is so comparatively massive to other quarks her age.

Thus, while I have never witnessed Bieber singing or indeed physically grabbed him, I must infer his existence because of his effect on the mongoose and also because of the alarming number of advertisements for his O2 Arena concert which keep appearing on every webpage I visit.

This Higgs is proving more elusive than ever and time is running out. But while we’ve got Professor Cox and the boundless scope of our imaginations, we shouldn’t kiss goodbye to the tantalising little rapscallion just yet.

And if by 2012 we’ve not gained a purchase on him, everything I’ve come to ‘beliebe’ about our universe is a lie and I may as well kill myself.

Dr Julian cook is a senior reserach fellow at the Institute for Studies