Ferguson criticises envelope

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

FA officials imposed the ban after the permanently enfunked Manchester United manager fired a dead horse at a referee in protest at a disputed throw-in.

They then retreated to their unmarked concrete bunker and their whereabouts will remain secret until Ferguson starts giving interviews with Sky Sports again.

But Sir Alex immediately questioned the ban, saying: “The GSM of this paper isn’t fit to grace my mailbox and I’m pretty sure the tree it was produced from was owned by a Russian billionaire.

“In my day bans used to arrive hand written on a heavy vellum scroll, delivered by a proper, uniformed page. It was a typographically-ornate man’s game in those days.”

The FA will now investigate Ferguson’s criticism of the font they used to write the phrases ‘stunning hypocrite’ and ‘immensely unlikeable old ballbag’.

Meanwhile the ban will require Ferguson to watch the next five United games from inside a cage suspended from an airship 300ft above the pitch.

He will be delivered to the cage on a gurney in the manner of Hannibal Lecter in Silence Of The Lambs while the FA has also made it clear it will not tolerate Ferguson commenting on the toughness of any match official’s nipples.

But Ferguson was unrepentant, adding: “There’s a lack of quality in stationery throughout the game, from the stiffness of the red cards my players very, very occasionally get, to the court bundles we use to secure those super-injunctions to stop people knowing why that church in Stretford had to be deconsecrated.”



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Kate sets up secret wedding list

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.

Prince William’s fiancee has told friends it was his idea to ask for charitable donations instead of presents and that it’s just a lot of ‘hippy bollocks’.

A close friend said: “There was a row. Kate was shouting ‘this is exactly the sort of new age shit your fucking dad would come up with’ before throwing a priceless vase at him and screaming, ‘I want that fucking duvet cover, you baldy prick’.

“Eventually she was sedated by one of the Queen’s vets but as soon as she woke up she was straight on the phone to John Lewis.

“I’m getting her the vibrating egg.”

Another friend said: “Kate’s just a normal girl who wants loads and loads of stuff.

“She’s from a middle class family who had to work for what they have, so getting stuff and then finding subtle ways to make sure people know how much it cost is incredibly important to her.

“Whereas William is from a family where nothing has any value because no-one has ever earned anything or done anything.

“‘Charity work’ doesn’t count and neither does being in the RAF for 20 minutes just because you’re the ‘R’ and you fancy a go on the big helicopters.

“And if nothing has any value then he’s hardly going to get excited about going round John Lewis with a zapper and having a snippy little argument about some fucking teapot.

“I give the whole thing six months before she runs off with Gary Barlow.”