Ferguson criticises envelope

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

'You're a disgrace!'

FA officials imposed the ban after the permanently enfunked Manchester United manager fired a dead horse at a referee in protest at a disputed throw-in.

They then retreated to their unmarked concrete bunker and their whereabouts will remain secret until Ferguson starts giving interviews with Sky Sports again.

But Sir Alex immediately questioned the ban, saying: “The GSM of this paper isn’t fit to grace my mailbox and I’m pretty sure the tree it was produced from was owned by a Russian billionaire.

“In my day bans used to arrive hand written on a heavy vellum scroll, delivered by a proper, uniformed page. It was a typographically-ornate man’s game in those days.”

The FA will now investigate Ferguson’s criticism of the font they used to write the phrases ‘stunning hypocrite’ and ‘immensely unlikeable old ballbag’.

Meanwhile the ban will require Ferguson to watch the next five United games from inside a cage suspended from an airship 300ft above the pitch.

He will be delivered to the cage on a gurney in the manner of Hannibal Lecter in Silence Of The Lambs while the FA has also made it clear it will not tolerate Ferguson commenting on the toughness of any match official’s nipples.

But Ferguson was unrepentant, adding: “There’s a lack of quality in stationery throughout the game, from the stiffness of the red cards my players very, very occasionally get, to the court bundles we use to secure those super-injunctions to stop people knowing why that church in Stretford had to be deconsecrated.”