ADVICE for the middle-aged couple undertaking a manned mission to Mars, with Richard and Judy.
Richard: “Firstly, you’ll need to think carefully about what to pack. In space, glare can be a real problem so I’d invest in decent shades. Judy and I bought Oakleys for going skiiing in Grenoble last year and they looked mega cool.”
Judy: “I sat on mine but they still work.”
Richard: “Good driving music is essential. Not a lot of people know this but Judy and I have pretty eclectic taste. Just last week, we listened to the Mumford and Sons CD eight times on the way home from the Lakes. Our house loves The Mumf.”
Judy: “Richard has his own name for them. But seriously, a stunning voice. So eclectic.”
Richard: “It’s important to find ways to alleviate boredom on such a long trip too. I recommend some fantasy role play to spice things up interplantery style! Pretend you’re two strangers meeting in a classy hotel bar. Jude and I do this at the local Ibis: I like to pretend I’m Michael Buerk and – you tell them who you are, Judes!”
Judy: “Well, I like to go Cheryl Cole because I’m really good at the accent – PET!”
Richard: “Grrrr! Anwyay, let’s just say when Cheryl and Michael get together, they don’t need solar radiation to get things a little twisted!”
Judy: “Haha, yes. Quite.”
Richard: “We had to think long and hard about the effect of space radiation on our reproductive organs. Were we ready for infertility? More importantly, were we ready to spawn some mutant lizard space baby? We weighed up the pros and cons, and realised we’d probably create a superhuman, like Hayden Panettiere in Heroes. Hayden would be a welcome addition to the party, the more people there are to play twenty questions, the better.”
Judy: “Are you a black, male cookery host?”
Richard: “Not now, darling.”
