Richard and Judy's space-relationship tips

ADVICE for the middle-aged couple undertaking a manned mission to Mars, with Richard and Judy.

Richard: “Firstly, you’ll need to think carefully about what to pack. In space, glare can be a real problem so I’d invest in decent shades. Judy and I bought Oakleys for going skiiing in Grenoble last year and they looked mega cool.”

Judy: “I sat on mine but they still work.”

Richard: “Good driving music is essential. Not a lot of people know this but Judy and I have pretty eclectic taste. Just last week, we listened to the Mumford and Sons CD eight times on the way home from the Lakes. Our house loves The Mumf.”

Judy: “Richard has his own name for them. But seriously, a stunning voice. So eclectic.”

Richard: “It’s important to find ways to alleviate boredom on such a long trip too. I recommend some fantasy role play to spice things up – interplantery style! Pretend you’re two strangers meeting in a classy hotel bar. Jude and I do this at the local Ibis: I like to pretend I’m Michael Buerk and – you tell them who you are, Judes!”

Judy: “Well, I like to go Cheryl Cole because I’m really good at the accent – PET!”

Richard: “Grrrr! Anwyay, let’s just say when Cheryl and Michael get together, they don’t need solar radiation to get things a little twisted!”

Judy: “Haha, yes. Quite.”

Richard: “We had to think long and hard about the effect of space radiation on our reproductive organs. Were we ready for infertility? More importantly, were we ready to spawn some mutant lizard space baby? We weighed up the pros and cons, and realised we’d probably create a superhuman, like Hayden Panettiere in Heroes. Hayden would be a welcome addition to the party, the more people there are to play twenty questions, the better.”

Judy: “Are you a black, male cookery host?”

Richard: “Not now, darling.”



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Ferguson able to receive visitors

A DISTRAUGHT Alex Ferguson is slowly recovering from his attack of the vapours.

After the unconscionable behaviour of Real Madrid and the actions of a beastly little Turk, the 71 year-old Glaswegian wallflower has taken to his bed. Man United doctors say the manager has been quite bereft ever since and describe his current condition as fragile.

Assistant manager Mike Phelan said: “It’d break your heart to see him, clutching the coverlet of his bed, looking at me with those pleading, rheumy eyes and mouthing the word ‘why?’ over and over again.

“He looks like some frightened fawn that lost its mother, assuming its mother had mated with a particularly rough-looking bull mastiff.”

Ferguson has been able to drink some weak hibiscus tea since Tuesday but has still eaten nothing more than a few thin cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off then deep fried in batter.

Manchester United has pleaded with UEFA to overturn the red card given to Nani for bravely attempting the world’s first foot-based heart surgery in the hope it will raise Ferguson’s spirits enough to at least shout weakly at a reporter.

Meanwhile, players have started visiting their manager to try and help mend his shattered heart, with captain Rio Ferdinand raising a thin smile by reading some Walter Scott poetry.

Phelan said: “I simply don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt such a beautiful, simple creature like Alex who wants nothing more than to belligerently demand the world do his bidding.”