To The People, I Present My Vision

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

During my time as prime minister I have often reflected on my legendary Scottish childhood and the values I inherited from my local community in Fife, or possibly the Stirling area.

And those are the values I still cherish today: An unshakeable belief in the power of News International and an unquenchable thirst for revenge.

As we move into 2008 let me assure you that I am still bursting with good ideas. I'm not going to tell you all of them, otherwise you might get very excited and take the rest of the week off. That may feel good now, but it's not going to stop the Chinese building 5000 new coal-fired power stations and invading the Moon.

This year we face many challenges, both as individuals and as unremarkable cogs in the Great Machinery of State. That is why, later this year, the Labour government will move to end this historic injustice once and for all by abolishing individuals and the fear and confusion they provoke. My plan to number everyone may well cost billions of pounds, and perhaps even a few lives, but at the end of the process everyone will at least know where they're supposed to sit.

As a young boy in Fife, or possibly Bathgate, I would ask my father, 'why are all of those people outside our house so disgusting?'. My father would tell me that it was because they lacked health. Some were unhealthy because they lived in a hole and drank paraffin, but most were unhealthy because of capitalism. I never forgot part of that story and when I entered Parliament in 1983 I made a vow: No more holes, no more paraffin. Thanks to record levels of investment many of those holes have now been filled and people are encouraged to enjoy paraffin responsibly.

But if Britain is to be a healthy society, it must, above all, be a healthy society. I have consulted with the country's leading experts and they have told me that the one thing  this will require, above all else, is a good deal more health. That is why, from today, I am giving new powers to doctors so that they can tell people to stop being unhealthy. Over the next two years, the NHS will refuse to treat more than two million people and will instead send them home with a leaflet about fruit.

Not only do I think Britain is ready for fruit-based leaflets, but I believe that 2008 will be remembered as the year the great British people finally got over their petty obsession with house prices and paying bills and rediscovered the immense pride in having a prime minister who is now one of the best in Europe at dealing with chicken diseases.

But above all I believe, and strongly suspect, that 2008 will be remembered as the year David Cameron suffered a tragic and perfectly straightforward accident when he was alone in a field somewhere.

Happy new year and never forget that I'm the prime minister, not you.

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Traditional Light Bulbs Are A Superfood, Says PR Company

TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night. 

According to independent research, so-called environmentally friendly light bulbs are the biggest cause of scurvy, gingivitis and the AIDS.

But eating just one traditional light bulb in the morning and another before bed will guard against all known diseases and ensure a rich and fulfilling sex life for men and women well into their nineties.

Nikki Hollis, of PR company Conceptomatix, said the low energy light bulb was invented by Hitler and Stalin and first put into mass production by Pol Pot.

She said: “Our research shows that people who use low energy bulbs are retarded weaklings who turn up for work late with their cardigan buttons done up wrong.

“They are always the first to be chosen for the sack and have no sexual relations in the workplace because they have dandruff and underarms that smell of cabbage.

“Traditional light bulb people are natural leaders who tend to run giant companies making really useful stuff, like light bulbs which actually light up when you turn them on.

“They produce perfect stools every morning, without any straining, and can keep going for hours in bed, if you want them to.”

Ms Hollis said the finding were based on a telephone survey of ten people, none of whom had spent their lives building a traditional light bulb company only to see it destroyed by communists and gays.