Piers Morgan: If we were truly a liberal country, we’d have more tolerance for a complete twat like me

BY PIERS MORGAN

IF IT’S true that you can judge a society by how it treats its elderly, then it’s equally true that you can judge a liberal country by how it treats its total arseholes.

Arseholes like me. And I can report that so-called ‘liberal’ Britain fails the test.

Anyone can tolerate the nice, the decent. David Attenborough. Brian Cox. My colleague, Susanna Reid. Even Stalin would have found it easy to tolerate Susanna Reid.

The real test comes in tolerating the vain, ubiquitous, toxic, narcissistic, bloviating, obnoxious members of humanity. Which is where I come in.

My role, a vital function for which I receive no thanks, is to expose hypocrisy.

Every time I come out with a thunderously excremental, self-aggrandising comment, every time I reveal myself to be a spadefaced, gassy, class A twat, am I thanked? Nobody says, ‘Well done, Piers, for acting the prancing, poisonous tit and proving that there’s room for all sorts in our democracy. You have proved our tolerance to be real.’

No, instead they call for me to be shot out of a cannon into a distant septic tank.

By hating me, Piers Morgan, you show yourself to be just as bad as the racists. In fact by hating the racists you show yourself to be even worse than the racists, and almost as bad as me.

But nothing like as bad as Gary Lineker.