All work BYOB from lunchtime today

FOLLOWING Boris Johnson’s admission that he ‘believed implicitly’ that 30 people in the garden drinking was a work event, all work is bring your own booze from 1pm today.

Whether working in an office, on a building site, flying passenger airplanes or in Downing Street while nominally in charge of the country during a pandemic, you may bring and drink booze.

A Conservative source said: “Of course there’s alcohol at work events. Just look around you now. Everyone’s f**king hammered.

“Judy in accounts is on the bourbon, Colin the HGV driver’s finishing off a crate of Stella, and primary school teachers are doing shots. So the prime minister’s fine.

“And it’s retroactive from the beginning of the first lockdown. If you haven’t been drinking at work? More fool you. If you work from home especially.

“Go out in the garden, it’s an extension of the office. Work in this country doesn’t mean being chained to your desk, operating theatre or tunnel-boring machine and never has.”

Tories conceded the policy could cause hundreds of thousands of deaths to save one man’s career, but pointed out that this is in line with party policy over the last two years.

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Woman buys coat she's too embarrassed to wear

A WOMAN has bought an expensive, brightly coloured coat that she is too embarrassed to step outside in.

Lauren Hewitt saw the ankle-length faux-fur orange coat in the sales and convinced herself it was incredibly stylish, before getting it home and realising it made her look like a massive twat.

Hewitt said: “In the subtle lighting of the shop changing room I thought I looked edgy and cool, but when I put it on in front of my bedroom mirror I realised I looked like a cheap teddy bear that you’d win at a fair.

“I forced myself to wear it, but as I reached the doorstep I saw my neighbour’s five-year-old in the street wearing a coat the exact same hideously garish colour. At least she’s got an excuse. I bought this for myself.

“I know I should hold my head high and style it out like Kate Moss would, but unfortunately I’m not Kate Moss. I’m an accountant from Quedgeley who now looks like a bellend on the bus to work.”

Her flatmate said: “It’s not that bad. She should feel more embarrassed about that undercut she persists in thinking suits her.”