Bond and other fictional characters who needed killing off years ago

DANIEL Craig says he was ‘choked up’ by the death of 007, but it would have been kinder to kill him off years ago. Here are some characters who should join him:

James Bond

Craig played 007 as a depressive suffering the added daily misery of haemorrhoids. Any vet would agree that putting him down was the right thing to do. Well done, Daniel, you turned Bond into an incontinent old labrador due for the incinerator.

Han Solo

Han should have died heroically – radical idea, but maybe in a space battle? Instead he got cursorily stabbed by Kylo Ren with all the drama of making a cheese sandwich. But not before audiences had to watch a bored Harrison Ford looking as if he’d rather be at home organising his woodworking tools.

Compo, Clegg and Foggy

Last of the Summer Wine lasted a staggering 31 series from 1973 to 2010. Even by the 80s viewers were baffled by this eerily out-of-time Yorkshire dystopia where sexually repressed men were trapped in a loop of strange events involving bathtubs.

Michael Myers 

People have twigged that the Halloween baddie is a bit shallow: mask, boiler suit, stabbing – that’s the extent of his interests. Unfortunately he can never die, because he’s supernatural and there’s money in another sequel, maybe Halloween: There’ll Be Some Sort of Conclusion This Time, Honest.

Sherlock Holmes

We’ve recently had Steven Moffat’s pain-in-the-arse Sherlock, Robert Downey Jr’s action Sherlock and Netflix’s desperate Sherlock’s twin sister Sherlock. There’s surely a conclusion to be drawn when each new Sherlock flops. And it’s not, ‘Hey, no one’s done a transgender Sherlock yet!’

Darth Vader

The original films adequately explain Vader, but the prequels took us on his disappointing journey from annoying child to gullible adult anyway. Now it’s Disney’s turn to milk this cyborg cash cow. Don’t be surprised if there’s a terrible JJ Abrams reboot of the Holiday Special.

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'My phone is listening to my conversations', thinks woman who Googled that thing a week ago

A WOMAN who constantly feeds her phone personal information is convinced it is eavesdropping on her conversations.

Lucy Parry was scrolling through search results when she saw an advert trying to sell her something she had forgotten about Googling the week before.

Parry said: “There they were. Bold as brass. Discount hiking boots from my favourite outdoors shop. It sent a chill down my spine.

“My husband Tom and I were talking about going to the Lake District last weekend, and I said I would have to buy some new shoes. A few days later, there they were.

“It’s f**king terrifying to think Apple, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are eagerly listening to every word I say in their Californian tech mansions.

“I’ve been trying to outrun the sneaky bastards. I told Tom to start looking for anti-hacking technology online and now suddenly he’s getting adverts for that kind of stuff. It’s creepy.

“My only consolation is that it can’t be completely accurate because it also comes up with ads for ‘Busty MILFs’, and he and I never talk about those.”