'And this is Boris and Carrie as Agnetha and Anni-Frid': Sue Gray talks you through her photo album

SUE Gray’s 300 photos of Downing Street parties take the viewer on quite a journey. Let her be your guide: 

This is Boris cutting into a Union Jack cake while wearing a plastic Union Jack hat. It’s from his birthday. Look, there’s Lulu Lytle trying to find out who was going to pay her. Rishi’s saying ‘it’s nothing to do with me love’ and Carrie’s glaring at him.

This is the socially distanced garden drinks there was the email about! This one’s Boris coming out and being surprised to find 30 people getting pissed, and this is Boris four hours later being surprised again. He was only there for 20 minutes but not 20 consecutive minutes, apparently. He thinks that’s plausible.

Bet you didn’t expect this one! Naked Twister. One of the January celebrations. Yes, that’s Dominic Raab with his back arched. The next photo he’s standing red-faced and bollock-naked accusing a Spad of cheating. I won’t show you that one, his cock’s upsetting.

Here’s the famous Abba party to celebrate Cummings’s departure. He hated Abba. Socialists, apparently. That’s Carrie as Anni-Frid and Boris as Agnetha, back-to-back, singing Waterloo. Which is all about total personal disaster appropriately enough.

These ones get mixed up, because there were three parties on December 17th and another the day after, while everyone else was in Tier 4, or was it Tier 3? Not sure which ones Boris was at. Doesn’t really matter. Three days later he cancelled Christmas.

This one I think is January, because it’s after the stripper pole was installed. Lord Brownlow queried it but they certainly got some use out of it. Look at Nadine go! She’s flexible because she’s hammered.

And this is Carrie’s birthday at Chequers! The public don’t know about this one yet. The theme was French aristocracy of the 18th century. How wonderfully appropriate.

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'What sort of cake was it?' A thick voter discusses the Sue Gray report 

IT’S easy to assume people have some basic grasp of political events. Let low-information moron voter Lauren Hewitt disabuse you: 

I don’t follow politics because politicians are all as bad as each other. But I’m going to have my bloody say about this cake report.

First, they’re not telling you all the facts. People buy a birthday cake just to eat on their own, I’ve done it. What cake was it? Our Leah had one with a photo of the dog’s face on.

Why are they having a go at Boris for eating a cake? I’ll tell you – they love the sound of their own voices. That Starmer’s full of himself, which is disgusting considering he got Jimmy Savile off the hook.

It’s not like anyone followed the rules anyway. I went to Donna’s youngest’s 21st which was absolutely rammed, I didn’t get ill and I was pissed as arseholes. The scientists still don’t know if Covid exists.

Mainly I don’t understand why they’d ban cake. Seems like the police wanting an easy life as usual. It’s a lot easier arresting innocent people for eating a fondant fancy than machine-gunning dinghies.

They’re saying it shows Boris is untrustworthy. Eh? He didn’t say he hadn’t had cake. He stutters a bit, but he’s very learned and is probably trying to get all his thoughts out.

And so what if he likes a bit of cake? We can’t all be Kate Moss. And she’s been to enough parties in her time so I don’t know why she’s so against him.

The whole thing’s reminded me why I don’t vote, apart from against immigrants. All this fuss over a cake. Now if he had had a party, he should resign, but not just over cake. They must of took us for idiots.