Friday, 6th December 2019

Are you an optimist like Boris or a traitor to Britain?

WE’RE going to be a ‘can do’, optimistic nation, according to Boris. But have you got what it takes to make Britain great again, or are you a treacherous doubting weasel? Answer these questions.

Have you got British spunk? 

Britain is such a confident, self-assured nation we can talk about our spunk without realising it sounds quite, quite mad and rather disgusting. Boris has got so much spunk it’s practically coming out of his ears. Have you got spunky ears too?

Can you believe anything?

Are you able to believe Britain can have a no-deal Brexit and still have billions left over for tax cuts and a spending spree on schools and fast broadband? If you’re a doubter, practise believing in nonsense by doing things like leaving out tiny sandwiches for fairies in your garden. Anyone can believe true things - believing in total b*llocks is what will make Britain great.

Do you think foreigners will always back down?

Do you believe England is always victorious, whether it was Kenneth Branagh kicking French a*rse at Agincourt or our 25-nil victory over Germany in 1966? Know your history. But not too much, or you might find out some quite bad things about England. 

Are you prepared to fight on the beaches?

Of course you are! If you’re a true Brit you’ve probably already made a makeshift spear from a broom handle and a carving knife. Ignore the fact that we’re more likely to be fighting each over emergency airdrops of food from the EU, the patronising b*stards.


If you answered ‘yes’ to all the above you are exactly the sort of optimistic Brit we need for the glorious Boris years. If you answered ‘no’, feel very ashamed and get binge-watching some war films.