Are you an optimist like Boris or a traitor to Britain?

WE’RE going to be a ‘can do’, optimistic nation, according to Boris. But have you got what it takes to make Britain great again, or are you a treacherous doubting weasel? Answer these questions.

Have you got British spunk? 

Britain is such a confident, self-assured nation we can talk about our spunk without realising it sounds quite, quite mad and rather disgusting. Boris has got so much spunk it’s practically coming out of his ears. Have you got spunky ears too?

Can you believe anything?

Are you able to believe Britain can have a no-deal Brexit and still have billions left over for tax cuts and a spending spree on schools and fast broadband? If you’re a doubter, practise believing in nonsense by doing things like leaving out tiny sandwiches for fairies in your garden. Anyone can believe true things – believing in total b*llocks is what will make Britain great.

Do you think foreigners will always back down?

Do you believe England is always victorious, whether it was Kenneth Branagh kicking French a*rse at Agincourt or our 25-nil victory over Germany in 1966? Know your history. But not too much, or you might find out some quite bad things about England. 

Are you prepared to fight on the beaches?

Of course you are! If you’re a true Brit you’ve probably already made a makeshift spear from a broom handle and a carving knife. Ignore the fact that we’re more likely to be fighting each over emergency airdrops of food from the EU, the patronising b*stards.

Results 

If you answered ‘yes’ to all the above you are exactly the sort of optimistic Brit we need for the glorious Boris years. If you answered ‘no’, feel very ashamed and get binge-watching some war films.

The six tricks to sleeping through a heatwave

IT’S boiling hot, you’re sticky and total b*stards keep driving past in their noisy cars. Try getting a cool seven hours with these tips. 

Dump your partner

They keep touching you with their horrible hot hands and thighs like a freshly baked loaf. And they’re noisy and keep shifting about and waking you up. End your 22-year relationship now, without regret, and enjoy a blissful night’s sleep alone. 

Sleep in the bath

Sinking into a hot bath on a cold day is great, but a cold bath on a hot day is the purest of pleasures and the perfect heat-free bed. To avoid drowning, wear an inflatable armband round your neck, or leave the plug out and the cold shower on and dream you’re leading a lovely chilly life aboard the Arctic convoys. 

Love an ice bear

Still got your precious childhood teddy? Gut it with a knife, rip out all the stuffing and replace it with those freezer blocks you take camping. You’ll be cuddling it all night again like you were six years old. 

Sleep in a wind tunnel

One fan can keep you a little bit cool, so why stop there? Arrange a battery of fans around your bed buffetting you with constant cool wind from every angle, as if you were resting on a mountaintop. Ideally you shouldn’t be able to raise your head without your cheeks ballooning out with air. 

Go shopping

Supermarkets are beautifully air-conditioned and it’s wasted on their minimum-wage staff. Go to one that’s open 24 hours and make yourself a comfortable little nest on an empty pallet of Coke cans. You’ll sleep like a British Leyland worker on a 1973 night shift. 

Go into shock

A clinical state of shock makes you feel freezing cold. When you’re blackout drunk and won’t remember it, arrange for a friend to call you at 1am with terrible, life-changing news. Your body temperature will plummet as you discover your hometown and your parents have been obliterated in a nuclear missile accident.