Being Prime Minister should have a height requirement, Britain agrees

THE UK has decided that, post-Sunak, all future prime ministers must be five feet and six inches tall at the absolute minimum. 

The humiliating reign of a man who would be unable to ride most of rollercoasters at Thorpe Park has the country resolved to find someone nice and tall next time.

Nathan Muir from Coventry said: “I don’t know much about politics – I voted Brexit – but he looks like a schoolboy who won a day in Downing Street for writing an excellent essay.

“Say what you like about Theresa May but she was a lovely long gangly woman, with arms and legs that moved independently of her body like a inexpertly-operated puppet.”

Margaret Gerving of Sussex agreed: “As well as their oath to the King, prime ministers should have to swear they’re of acceptable height. Once they’re closer to five foot than six foot you can’t trust them.

“What? He’s saying he’s five foot seven? He never is. And Keir Starmer’s only an inch and a half taller? Well he looks bigger, and he’s got a lovely beefy face.”

Steven Malley, who is five feet five-and-a-half inches tall, agreed: “You can’t trust a short man. We’ve got a grudge against the world and we go mental.”

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Feeding ducks bread, and other nice things which turned out to be unspeakable animal cruelty

YOU and your grandmother headed down to the park, hand-in-hand, to murder countless waterfowl. Add it to the list of your crimes: 

Keeping a hamster as a classroom pet

You are imprisoned by the cruellest captors imaginable – bored eight-year-olds. When not waking you from your day’s rest by poking unwashed fingers through your bars, they blind you with camera flashes. You spend all day running on your wheel, dreaming of freedom.

Leaving out a saucer of milk for a hedgehog

Come on kids! Gather at the kitchen window, just as the sun is setting, and look out into the garden. If you stay very still and keep very quiet, you might just see spiny Mrs Tiggy-Winkle contracting lethal, lactose-induced diarrhoea. There! Isn’t nature marvellous?

Feeding the ducks

Throwing stale bread for the ducks, giggling in happiness, shouting the word ‘duck!’ which was one of the first in your vocabulary. Bread of so negligible nutrional value it kills them with malnutrition while filling their lake with algae and attracting killer rats. To the ducks you were the great destroyer, harbinger of death.

Donkey rides

50p for a ride on the donkey? The donkey that, you fondly imagined, was treated well for the service it provided? Until you were old enough to do the basic maths and observe the seaside economy and realised what a life of misery you’d contributed to?

Going to the zoo

‘No! Zoos are ethical now! They do a lot of conservation work!’ Oh please. Zoos are prisons where every convict is innocent. The lions are bored and depressed. The meerkats have to listen to Compare the Meerkat accents all day. The gorillas dream of breaking through the glass and tearing you limb from limb. The pandas are too sad to shag.

Dressing your dog in a Halloween costume

The one benefit of being a dog is not having to wear clothes. Don’t take that away from them.