Bet you didn't think we'd wait this long before pulling the ol' trans lever, say Tories

KEMI Badenoch believes the Conservatives should be congratulated for waiting until the second week of their campaign before leveraging the trans issue. 

The business secretary and leader-in-waiting told media that managing almost a fortnight of campaigning before announcing discriminatory measures against an embattled minority to win support from wavering bigots shows the Tories are a party of ideas.

She continued: “Be honest, you thought we were going at this from day one. You were surprised he didn’t say it in his rain speech.

“But since then we’ve tickled the bellies of the elderly and prejudiced with a whole range of policies. From national service to banning degrees to promising they’ll always be the richest and most special, we’ve demonstrated we’re more than mere transphobes.

“However, the audience wants us to play the hits. So we’ve opened Monday with a big, bold promise that a very complex issue is very simple, that nothing’s changed since you were a girl in 1956, and them new types aren’t to be trusted. You like that, don’t you Elsie?

“And if you think this is patient, careful campaigning, you’ll be even more impressed on June 14th when we unveil ‘Keir’s coming for your Brexit’. How did we wait so long?”

Starmer said: “Oh God, it’s true. I don’t know what a woman is and I never, ever have.”

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Why France doesn't count as a foreign holiday, by a 14-year-old whose parents dragged her there last week

HAVING just returned from France, which is shit, Grace Wood-Morris can state definitively that it does not count as a proper holiday abroad. She explains:

It’s too close

Real holidays require a flight, not three days in the back of a Kia Sportage without wifi. And a ferry in the middle which is humiliating only to end up in the same boring woody green countryside we have in Nottingham and the same pissing rainstorms. Apparently it’s nice weather in the south of France but we didn’t f**king go there, did we?

There’s nothing to do

Imagine England but flatter, duller and full of fashions from literally two decades ago. The kind of sweatshirts and jeans that you see on footage of 9-11 being unashamedly worn. The teenagers here can only be pitied. There were two of them hanging around a pizza place like it was a nightclub. And to be fair it is the only thing open after 8pm.

The music’s shit

Omigod, French radio. Who told them they could do pop music. Song after song that’s so wrong, as if every X-Factor reject was exiled here forever. A dance version of The Sound of Silence gave me trauma. Sometimes they play a proper song just to reinforce how bad theirs are. They played a lot of Dua Lipa. If the French think she’s good she’s over.

Nobody speaks English

In real holiday locations, all-inclusive ones, everyone speaks a real language. They don’t mess you about pretending they can’t understand a perfectly normal conversation about Addison Rae’s controversial bikini on her TikTok, but in France they’re not just pretending they can’t, they actually can’t. There’s no excuse now there’s Duolingo.

All the English people are the wrong ones

There’s no hot boys with abs on lads’ tours. It’s teachers, like mum and dad, all proud like it’s an achievement to come to the nearest country to England and choose a bit where there aren’t any beaches. Like that makes you special instead of chillingly cringe.

Food is not a holiday

You can literally get food at home? French food even, because it’s the same shit they have everywhere with extra garlic? But my f**king God, everyone out there acts like they’ve never eaten before and it’s such bliss and mm, this mouthful of langoustines just made me come. And the wine. If you’re going on holiday for wine, that’s an addiction.

They want to move here

If we went to Turkey, like Kayden’s doing? I’d go to the ruins, moan about it and say they were shit but I’d get some decent selfies. Here we can’t drive past some crumbling pisshole without mum and dad saying ‘wow, you can buy that for only £20,000’ or ‘wouldn’t it be incredible to live here’. The minute I turn 18 I’m never coming to France ever again.