Boris Johnson's flood advice for commoners

APPARENTLY some moaning minnies are unhappy with my handling of the floods, but I say they just need to show a bit of pluck and spunk! Here is my advice.

Simply move into one of your other homes

I have no sympathy for people who are too lazy to hop in the Range Rover and stay in one of their other homes until the water has gone down. This is what years of pampering by Corbyn’s socialist welfare state has reduced us to. 

Show some Blitz spirit

Our forebears were blissfully happy during World War 2 with nothing more than spam sandwiches, George Formby ukulele songs and good old Blighty spirit! Do I believe a word of this rubbish I keep spouting? I honestly don’t know anymore.

Turn flooding into a jolly jape 

I’d love to be flooded out! My inherent sense of fun would soon have me turning an old bathtub into an impromptu pirate ship and pretending to be ‘Boris Blackbeard’ in my wrecked living room. Come on, homeless Northerners, lighten up!

Make ridiculous classical references  

Like a latter-day Poseidon, I would relish the post-diluvian challenge of my house being full of what the Romans called ‘aqua’. I believe it was Herodotus who told Julius Caesar that “a bit of rain never hurt anyone”, or I may have misremembered that.

Remember your house was rubbish anyway

Let’s face it, your semi with its pathetic three bedrooms and no Aga was a revolting little peasant’s hut in the first place. Count yourself lucky that for the only time in your life you’ve had the chance to own an indoor swimming pool.

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Five worthy successors to The Jeremy Kyle Show

ITV has announced it will not be replacing The Jeremy Kyle Show, leaving viewers without their fix of voyeuristic mid-morning misery. Fill that void with these: 

Relationship Car-Crash

Show featuring couples oblivious to the blindingly obvious issues with their relationships, like being married to other people or related. Will address questions like: ‘Should I marry this tracksuited thug with 14 kids who sells my telly for weed?’

Toothless Hags

Hour-long televisual parade of benefit claimants with bad teeth. To maintain the Kyle lie that this is not a Victorian freak show, all participants will be given £5 to pay for a taxi to the dentist.

Maybe You Should Get A Job Instead Of Having Massive Dramas?

An ‘expert’ gives a cost-benefit analysis of having a job and money versus spending 40+ hours a week on labyrinthine disputes with your unemployed neighbours. Guests will be given job-seeking support but also encouraged to scream at each other, obviously.

Thank God They’re Not Your Family

Show that unashamedly celebrates families that are joyously not yours. First episode: ‘I cheated on my girlfriend with my dad’s ex who’s technically my step-daughter and they put a contract on me in prison’.

Go On, Smash Their Face In

Distilled Kyle for purists. A pre-credits lie detector sequence and then goaded guests get stuck into each other with fists, feet, broken pool cues and, in the last segment of the show after all the betting adverts, crossbows.