Boris Johnson's self-isolation diary, day nine

IT has been nine days since I lost all contact my colleagues, my public, my fiancee, my son. Coincidentally it was also the day Dom left and I’m pissed off I didn’t get to properly enjoy that. 

But I’ve been keeping a diary this entire time, because Churchill kept a diary and I’m just like him. Here are the highlights.

Day one

Dom is going apeshit. I told him personally how sad we are that he’s leaving, by getting Carrie to do it, but he’s still after some face time with the big man. ‘I know you’re in there, coward,’ he says as he walks around banging on walls. Sadly, the rules of self-isolation mean I must remain completely silent and hidden in this cupboard.

Day two

It’s Saturday, so I get up and knock on the door to be let out. But no, apparently you have to self-isolate at weekends too. Nonsense on stilts.

Day four

The news is out about BoJo’s corona no-show, and I’ve filmed a little video about it and put it on Twitter. 6,100 retweets. Meanwhile Trump’s getting 182,400 for tweeting ‘I won the Election!’ The British are such twats.

Day five 

Pass my Covid test and demand to be let out. Apparently that’s not how it works. Demand to see Professor Whitty. Apparently he’s busy. I hear him chatting later and shout ‘Oi, Whitty!’ He goes quiet.

Day six

Prime Minister’s Questions today, and a video link’s been set up so I can take part. Starmer keeps smirking like there’s something funny about me being in this situation because I ignored the rules specifically set out by my office and repeated by me at briefings.

Day seven

My big cyber-green-army-levelling-up relaunch is happening today and I’m missing it. Suggest it could be delayed until next week, so I can be personally involved sprinkling on the old charm and magic. Carrie says ‘F**k no’, then ‘Sorry, I thought I was on mute.’

Day nine

Everyone appears to have left for the weekend. All I’ve got to eat is a sharing pack of Chilli Heatwave Doritos. The door’s locked and nobody’s answering their phones. I’ve really gone off Covid.

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Why does this lockdown suck so much more ass than the first?

ENGLAND is more than halfway through its second lockdown, supposedly, but why is this one so much more bullshit than the first? We asked the public. 

Bill McKay, 41, accountant

“The first time round it was a real novelty. I sheltered in the little Covid-free fortress I’d made of my house, carefully washing everything when I went to the shops and avoiding strangers while I exercised. This time around the kids are at bloody school bringing it home with them, so what’s the f**king point?”

Eleanor Shaw, 36, clothing wholesaler

“I began the novel I’d always dreamed of writing during the first lockdown, then dropped it the moment we could leave the house because I’m not a writer and it was, frankly, shit. This second lockdown’s just rubbing my nose in my failure, especially as there’s even less on telly.”

Grace Wood-Morris, 19, student

“The first lockdown sucked because I was locked in with my parents and worried about my A-levels. But compared to being locked in with a load of dickheads in a Manchester halls of residence with actual security guards stopping me leaving, it was Shangri-f**king-La.”

Margaret Gerving, 68, retired teacher

“In March, we locked down because there was no other way to stop the coronavirus and to buy time for the government to establish protective measures. In November, it’s perfectly obvious there are many ways to stop the coronavirus and the government’s too bloody incompetent to do any of them.”

Matt Hancock, 42, health secretary

“Back then things were bad, but I always had the comfort of knowing I’d soon lose the job I was terrible at and could stretch out on the back benches for four years. This time around, I’m still f**king doing it plus I have to go on GMTV. This is total bullshit.”