Brexit celebration attended by more than 4,000 brain cells

A BREXIT rally has been attended by almost 150 people who do not appear to have a f**king clue about what they are celebrating. 

The low number of brain cells in attendance was confirmed by the fact that everyone present talked non-stop nonsense, suggesting they were either thick or bonkers.

Reveller Stephen Malley said: “We’re not on the continent anymore, that’s the main thing. Now we’ll be allowed to eat chicken pies and buy a lawn mower.

“I don’t want a lazy Spaniard telling me what to do every second of the day, although that doesn’t happen. What am I talking about? I’m not sure. But I bl**dy hate it. Hooray!” 

Fellow Brexiter Eleanor Shaw said: “I’m weeping with joy about getting our plug sockets back. Now my granddaughter will be able to do a hairdressing course without filling in 500 pages of EU regulations.”

Event organiser Norman Steele said: “If the EU army came here and started burning the village we’d stab them with kitchen knives. I’m not racist, I just hate paying tax.

“Anyway, grab a drink and would you like some food? It’s time to get the lasagne on the barbecue. Proper English lasagne, from Asda. 

“It’s like they say in that Mel Wilson film – FREEDOM!”

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Entire British Empire restored

EVERY country in the former British Empire has demanded Britain resume full political control now it has proven it is great again. 

Australia, India, Canada, Egypt and South Africa, among a host of others, have all dissolved their governments in a show of awestruck admiration for the British lion’s newfound mighty roar.

Kenya’s president Uluru Kenyatta said: “We never wanted Britain to stop ruling us in the first place – why ever would we? – but you just needed to grab hold of your mojo again.

“Don’t worry about giving us voting rights or any of that nonsense. Now you are once again a proud, resurgent nation unafraid of political correctness, we have absolute trust you will act in our best interest. And the world’s.

“I step down tomorrow. Oh man, I hope we get Michael Gove as governor. That guy is the best.”

The UK now commands a fifth of the world’s population and one-quarter of its total habitable land, which is as it should be.