Brexit march somehow back in Sunderland again

THE ‘March to Leave’ has somehow found itself back in Sunderland again, feeling even more confused than usual and with no one really leading.

The march – which is currently populated by a handful of oddballs and the spirit of Nigel Farage who is busy on TV – arrived back in the Northern town expecting it to be London.

Brexiter Martin Bishop said: “I think London is around here somewhere. Is that London? Oh, no, it’s the Stadium of Light.

“This is definitely not London. London is full of massive buildings, famous landmarks and the metropolitan elite. As the sort of person who voted for Brexit I notice these things.

“We must have taken a wrong turn at Doncaster. Now I’m completely knackered and my feet really hurt. I’m taking these flip flops back to the shop.”

Fellow marcher Emma Bradford said: “Why didn’t any of us bring a map? It’s almost like we embarked on this enormous endeavour without having a fucking clue what we were doing.”


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Two years ago today I did something f**king stupid

TWO years ago I did something extremely stupid, and on the second anniversary of that idiotic mistake I would like everyone to pretend I did not.

You may remember that early in 2017 I decided I would trigger Article 50 largely because I thought it would make me popular. I do not know why I thought that. But I did.

There were those who advised against it at the time, for reasons that were in retrospect totally obvious, but I did not even listen to those reasons. I felt, and once again I’m now unsure why, I did not have to.

Instead I had a picture taken of myself signing the document with my special gold-nibbed pen and a smile of self-satisfaction. It made me feel so confident in myself I called an election. That did not work out brilliantly.

But ever since that day I have pretended it was the right thing to do, and I’m glad to say I have been joined by my party, the media and much of the British public in that noble pretense.

They have joined me in insisting that March 29th 2019 be considered an important date everyone has agreed on, not an arbitrary date chosen on whim, and for that I am forever thankful.

Now I ask them to take part in that falsehood one last time as I attempt to force through a deal catastrophic for Britain’s future in order to cover up my catastrophic error in Britain’s recent past.

Thank you. In fact it was a good idea, wasn’t it? Yes, I thought it was.