Bunch of unemployable shitheads want Boris back

JACOB Rees-Mogg, Priti Patel and other shitheads who would never be employed in any reasonable government have announced they want their old boss back. 

The former ministers all attended a special losers’ conference in Bournemouth this week to argue for the return of the only man who would ever give bumbling morons like themselves Cabinet jobs.

Nadine Dorries, once ludicrously secretary for digital, culture, media and sport, said: “It’s not about us. That I can only get work on Talk TV now is a coincidence.

“It’s about restoring a vote-winning, election-sweeping political giant to Downing Street, conveniently forgetting the scandal that kicked him out and his resulting massive unpopularity which we’re pretending never happened.

Proven bully Priti Patel, who has been replaced by an even more racist and stupid version, said: “I was the home f**king secretary. Now people don’t even shudder when they pass me in the street.

“We’ve tried gross economic disaster and ineffectual base-level competence a try. Neither’s worked. Time to put the dream team of headbanging lunatics led by a serial liar back on top.”

The conference, estimated to have cost tens of thousands, was not deigned worthy of attendance by Boris Johnson.

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Travelodge replaces 'Do Not Disturb' signs with 'Caution, Sad Businessman Wanking'

DISCOUNT hotel chain Travelodge has swapped its ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs for ones warning that the room’s lone occupant is mid-wank. 

Sick of staff entering rooms to change linen only to find a middle-aged man flat on his back strumming his ugly genitals to Black Swan on Freeview, exectives agreed to make the subtext of their door signs explicit.

A spokesman said: “Realistically what other private business would anyone be enacting in a Travelodge room? A high-class cocktail party with a glittering guestlist?

“No, the only possible reason any of our tragic, lonely clientele ever choose to lock themselves in to what amounts to a prison cell is because they’re cracking one out.

“So we’ve changed the signage to reflect this reality, with a graphic of a middle-aged man who’s had KFC and a milkshake for his evening meal staring at a wall with his cock in his hand, ready for the underwhelming wank that will be the stay’s highlight.

Guest Oliver O’Connor said: “It’s no wonder the company always books me in a Travelodge on a retail park outside Llanelli. They know me and my people.

“I can hang one of these signs on my door and rest assured that I won’t be interrupted until I’ve reached completion and remove it, two minutes and 17 seconds later.”