'Can the Queen sack the prime minister', Googles Queen

HER Majesty the Queen has consulted an internet search engine over whether she can fire Boris Johnson, it has emerged.

The Partygate scandal has seen the monarch conducting online research into her constitutional role, duties and powers late into the night.

She said: “I know the title isn’t as influential as it once was. Apparently I can’t declare war or France or order beheadings anymore, and owning all the swans isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“But there must be more to this job than being hugely wealthy and calling multiple castles home. Surely I can dismiss a scruffy fat schoolboy when he’s making such a hash of running the country? In an emergency?

“After all, I have to give this parade of inhuman morons permission to form a government, so it only seems right that I can withdraw it. And I would very much like to withdraw it.

“What’s he going to do if I just outright announce it? Tell me I’m wrong? Why would that be my problem?”

After reaching the bottom of the second page of search results, she added: “I should stop procrastinating and get back to researching whether you can remove your middle son from the line of succession.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Astrologer starting to worry it's all bullshit

AN astrologer of 30 years’ standing has begun to wonder if the horoscopes she provides are actually accurate in any way. 

Emma Bradford, who has been using the zodiac to enlighten people about their own lives in the Carlisle News & Star since 1992, has privately admitted she is having a few doubts.

She said: “You can’t always be right, of course, and that’s on the astrologer not the stars. But my predictions have been so consistently wide of the mark for so long that I wonder if it’s all bollocks.

“Perhaps whether Venus was in retrograde or not when you were born doesn’t allow me to predict every single thing about the course of their lives, day by day, for people in hugely different circumstances.

“A few weeks ago I predicted that all Aries would have a challenging day and they need to learn from it, and then my Aries bitch of a sister wins £100,000 on scratchcards. Did I see that coming? Did I f**k.

“Am I seeing a whiff of that cash? Absolutely not. Even though I’d predicted that, as a Gemini, I was supposed to have a period of prosperity.

“But if celestial bodies really have no influence on people’s personalities, lives and futures how would my readers cope? I’ll lie to them for their sake.”